On TV this week
MLB Preseason Baseball, 1 p.m., ESPN If ESPN is going to broadcast eight spring-training games, the least they could do is show Phillies-Yankees from Clearwater first. Wait, that's exactly what they're doing.
SEASON PREMIERE Dancing With the Stars, 8 p.m., ABC Eleven new teams include astronaut Buzz Aldrin; actresses Pamela Anderson, Shannen Doherty and Niecy Nash; sports reporter Erin Andrews; gold-medal figure skater Evan Lysacek; reality star Kate Gosselin; former Bachelor Jake Pavelka; and All My Children actor Aiden Turner. Lysacek has an unfair advantage, we think, but do reality TV personalities really count as "stars" these days?
SEASON PREMIERE Nurse Jackie, 10 p.m., Showtime Edie Falco is back, bringing the Carmella Soprano routine to a hospital that never seems to have enough drugs and friends and family who do.
SEASON PREMIERE United States of Tara, 10:30 p.m., Showtime The worst part about being a kid with a mom suffering from multiple personality disorder? Just that many more moms to hate.
The Biggest Loser, 8 p.m., NBC The contestants have to ride stationary bikes, but if they eat a mini cupcake, it will add five minutes to another contestant. See how evil the producers are here?
Melrose Place, 9 p.m., CW Ella has just about had it with Jonah's lavish attention. We thought everyone on this show was an attention whore.
The Millionaire Matchmaker. 10 p.m., Bravo Patti calls in Dr. Nicki to help out with professional volleyball player Ayinde Alakoye. There was something about slamming balls into the opposing side to score.
America's Next Top Model, 8 p.m., CW We really hate it when trashy girls like Angelea are rude, nasty and downright ugly in person, but take great photos and look like they deserve to stay.
SERIES PREMIERE Fly Girls, 9 p.m., CW Yet another reality series, this time about flight attendants who work for Virgin Airlines. How much do they charge for packing in all that extra innuendo?
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, 10 p.m., NBC Jill Scott guest stars as a woman suspected of being responsible for the beating and rape of her disabled sister. She always did like those warm-and-fuzzy roles.
The First 48, 9 p.m., A&E Detective Rick Arnold finds out the victim in his latest case was the brother of a friend. That's going to ruin small talk the next time they watch a game together.
Grey's Anatomy, 9 p.m., ABC Finally, they're phasing out this totally unconvincing relationship between Callie and Arizona. And, oh, right: Hunt had shellshock, the writers suddenly remember.
30 Rock, 9:30 p.m., NBC Jason Sudeikis' Floyd is back in town with big news. Is it that it was him Liz was actually talking to in the dentist's office?
Who Do You Think You Are?, 8 p.m., NBC Shockingly, it seems that Matthew Broderick has no one in his family tree named Bueller.
SERIES PREMIERE Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, 9 p.m., ABC Jamie Oliver heads to Huntington, W. Va. — the "unhealthiest city in America" — to teach people how to eat right, as if they'll welcome him. That's a place where beer nuts are considered the third food group, right behind pork rinds and chili dogs.
Kitchen Nightmares, 9 p.m., Fox Gordon Ramsay goes to a joint in Boca Raton to work his angry magic, but walks out because the owner doesn't want to implement his suggestions.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org