On TV this week
SERIES PREMIERE LA Shrinks, 10 p.m., Bravo Ever wonder how messed up your therapist's life is? Here's a series about three from L.A., so they've got double the problems.
Inside Combat Rescue, 10 p.m., NatGeo Sure, you hate traffic on your morning commute. Now imagine the holdup is because the road is littered with land mines, and you've got a guy with a severed leg screaming for help in the car with you. So quit complaining.
SERIES PREMIERE Love It or List It, Too, 11 p.m., HGTV It's like the old Love It or List It, except with two new hosts. Apparently HGTV is keeping the old one going, or else they'd just keep the old name.
SEASON PREMIERE World of Jenks, 11 p.m., MTV This season Andrew Jenks follows an autistic man, a fashion designer with cancer and a dancer from Oakland. Again, stop complaining about nothing, you simpering layabouts.
SERIES PREMIERE Treasure Detectives, 9 p.m., CNBC A forgeries detective tries to determine if artwork, antiques and collectibles are authentic. This one is straight out of Philip K. Dick's The Man in the High Castle. Without the alternate reality.
Dance Moms, 9 p.m., Lifetime The moms think if Abby is in a relationship, she'll be easier for her dance partner to work with. So of course speed-dating will fix that.
Double Divas, 10 p.m., Lifetime Molly and Cynthia throw a party for men to teach them about bra sizes. Some visual aids would no doubt help attendance.
SEASON FINALE White Collar, 10 p.m., USA Will Neal and Peter or the FBI find the evidence box in the Empire State Building first? It depends whether the show is on the bubble for renewal.
Kim Novak: Live From the TCM Classic Film Festival, 8 p.m., TCM 1950s movie star Novak has come out of seclusion to do a special for this year's film festival. If only TV did a reboot of Falcon Crest, too.
SEASON PREMIERE The Rachel Zoe Project, 9 p.m., Bravo Zoe's company focuses on building her brand via social media. Because 140 characters is pretty much all the enthusiasm we can muster for Season 5.
SEASON PREMIERE Haunted Collector, 9 p.m., SyFy Jeff and the team continue to respond to claims of haunted candlesticks and spectral furniture. The gang from Oddities would like to join you, surely.
SERIES PREMIERE Feed the Beast, 9 p.m., Travel Mikey Roe goes to cities to try the food after dark. We start with fried candy, frog meat and Korean-Mexican fusion. Big deal. Sounds like a day at the Florida State Fair.
SEASON PREMIERE It's a Brad, Brad World, 10 p.m., Bravo Brad Goreski is busy putting together 30 looks for Kate Spade's show at New York Fashion Week, but Minka Kelly is dropping by, and that's why we'll be watching.
SERIES PREMIERE Dukes of Melrose, 10:30 p.m., Bravo Somewhere along the line, networks have convinced people to switch from the term "reality show" to "docu-series." Stop it. It's about people who locate vintage clothing, that's all.
MINISERIES PREMIERE Battleground: Rhino Wars, 9 p.m., Animal Planet A three-part series on the illegal rhino horn trade and how difficult it is to fight poaching. Because we all want to be depressed by knowing the world is full of millions of backward mouthbreathers who somehow think driving our remaining megafauna extinct will give them a longer-lasting erection.
Glee, 9:30 p.m., Fox The show reaches its 500th musical performance. Coincidentally, the Internet reaches its 500th complaint about Glee.
North Woods Law, 10 p.m., Animal Planet It's moose hunting season in Maine. Unfortunately for the wardens, the only hunting they're doing is for some poor doofus moose that got stuck in the mud. They probably just free him so he can be shot by some guy 300 yards away.
SEASON FINALE King of the Nerds, 10 p.m., TBS The biggest dork is crowned. That's either the greatest moment or biggest embarrassment of their life.
SEASON PREMIERE Fashion Star, 8 p.m., NBC Jessica Simpson, Nicole Richie, John Varvatos and Louise Roe are back to continue trying to swipe viewers from Project Runway. Most likely the ones who don't have basic cable.
Ghost Ships of the Black Sea: Revealed, 8 p.m., NatGeo Dr. Robert Ballard attempts to excavate two pristine shipwrecks without damaging them. Kind of goes against the term "excavate," doesn't it?
SERIES PREMIERE The Dead Files, 10 p.m., Travel A psychic and a homicide detective conduct separate investigations into apparent hauntings to compare who has more information about what happened. Okay, this one sounds pretty interesting, although what it has to do with travel is beyond our powers of deduction.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org