On TV this weekend
The Bachelor, 8 p.m., ABC Jason Mesnick is marrying Molly Malaney in a two-hour special that's sure to enrage Melissa Rycroft. The divorce will be via Webcast.
SEASON FINALE Make It or Break It, 9 p.m., ABC Family Kaylie sits out her invitational against the Chinese, endangering her teammates' chances of winning. It's good to see family programming is teaching our kids to hate the Chinese so early, isn't it?
Trauma, 9 p.m., NBC Nancy has to attend to a construction worker who has fallen down a manhole and is trapped. Gee, it's a good thing she has claustrophobia.
Parenthood, 10 p.m., NBC We turned this on expecting the old '90s series with Robert Townsend. Boy, were we surprised.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, 10 p.m., Bravo A 38-year-old divorced woman goes to Patti claiming to want to start dating girls now. Maybe she wants to figure out just why her husband cheated on her.
SERIES PREMIERE Food Wars, 10 p.m., Travel Camille Ford travels the country looking for the best places to find local favorites in American cities. That, of course, all depends on whom you ask.
SEASON PREMIERE America's Next Top Model, 8 p.m., CW As we start the 14th cycle of this teeny bopper fave, we're beginning to think we're a little too old to watch this. See, we've actually been outside our home towns and manage to meet minor celebrities without shrieking so high-pitched we shatter eardrums.
SERIES PREMIERE High Society, 9:30 p.m., CW It's like Gossip Girl, but with real people. And by real, we mean they're fake.
SERIES PREMIERE First Love, Second Chance, 10 p.m., TV Land In case High School Reunion didn't already fascinate you with its tales of people who never moved past the 11th grade, this show reunites long-lost sweethearts to let them get caught up. It's like Facebook, but with more video.
SEASON PREMIERE Billy the Exterminator, 10:30 p.m., A&E Billy gets top billing in this second season of The Exterminators, proving once and for all that the people behind the Arts & Entertainment Channel have no idea what should be on their network.
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, 9 p.m., CBS A boy's murder is linked to an old case that no one has investigated in years. Kind of like how Laurence Fishburne did those crossover episodes with other CSI franchises we haven't watched in ages.
30 Rock, 9:30 p.m., NBC Liz tries to find some guy she met in the dentist's office. As we recall, she was pretty doped up and making out with a potted plant; at least he didn't go anywhere.
The Real Housewives of New York City, 10 p.m., Bravo Ramona and LuAnn decide to throw parties on the same date. It's like that episode of Friends where they had two parties for Rachel's birthday, except no one likes Ramona or LuAnn.
Who Do You Think You Are?, 8 p.m., NBC Dallas Cowboys legend Emmitt Smith finds out his past rambles from rural Alabama to Virginia, and has a few surprises for him. Turns out his great-great grandfather helped start the New York Giants.
Kitchen Nightmares, 9 p.m., Fox Gordon falls asleep at a restaurant while waiting for his taste test. That could be one indication of why no one goes there.
Spartacus: Blood and Sand, 10 p.m., Starz Batiatus may sell off Crixus before anyone gets wind of the fact that he's just not that good anymore. Besides, he has a franchise QB in Spartacus, the new Champion of Capua. Is this ancient Rome or the NFL?
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org