On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE Dancing With the Stars, 8 p.m., ABC As Jewel and Nancy O'Dell drop out from injuries, we think it's safe to say that Shawn Johnson will be in good enough shape to last the first few rounds. Check that: They're going to make her wear heels.
SERIES PREMIERE Battles BC, 9 p.m., History We look back at the good old days, when bloody warfare involved picking up your own sword, pike or bow and mowing down the guys you didn't like in the village on the other side of the hill. Tonight: Hannibal crosses the Alps.
SERIES PREMIERE Castle, 10 p.m., ABC A mystery novelist helps people solve crimes. Like Murder, She Wrote for Gen Xers.
The Biggest Loser, 8 p.m., NBC The winning team in a relay race gets a full day of pampering. But that still means NO EATING, YOU FATTIES.
How the Earth Was Made, 9 p.m., History A look at the geologic creation of Manhattan: It took millions of years for all those gay bars, coffee shops, tourist traps and failed investment banks to form.
The Real Housewives of New York City, 10 p.m., Bravo The van Kempens return from the Hamptons with hardly any time to get ready for their annual trip to St. Barts or their major home renovation. In other news, we found a nickel in the couch cushions!
SERIES PREMIERE The Chopping Block, 8 p.m., NBC Top Chef and Hell's Kitchen weren't enough in the cooking competition department, so NBC decided to get in on the act. Watch as cooks argue, sweat and swear!
America's Next Top Model, 8 p.m., CW EEEEE! The makeover episode is already here! We hope someone's going to cry!
Make Me a Supermodel, 10 p.m., Bravo OOOOO! The makeover episode is already here! We hope someone's going to cry!
The Beast, 10 p.m., A&E Ellis is having a bad day, with an FBI agent trying to sabotage him and Rose starting to feel distant. But sadly, Patrick Swayze can tell you what bad news really is like.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, 10 p.m., Bravo What is it with the guys on this show all wanting to date women half their age? You want a wife, not a daughter.
ER, 10 p.m., NBC The airplane Neela and Sam were supposed to take to fly transplant organs leaves without them, bringing new meaning to the term "organ rejection." (They can't all be home runs, folks.)
Wife Swap, 8 p.m., ABC For the 100th episode, a science-obsessed fam from Colorado trades with psychic-wannabes from the Sunshine State. Just bring out the steel cage, already.
Friday Night Lights, 9 p.m., NBC Hoo, dawg, the Panthers are gonna be on tha tee-vee! That's that perty pitcher box all the furniture's pointed at in our livin' room!
Independence Day, 9 p.m., TBS Old as dust and on all the time, but let's take a moment to relive the heady days of the mid-'90s, when fake aliens were the worst thing we had to fear, and Randy Quaid could save us all.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org