On TV this week
SEASON FINALE Gossip Girl, 8 p.m., CW Blair has to choose between Chuck and Dan. We have to choose between On and Off.
SERIES PREMIERE The Weight of the Nation, 8 p.m., HBO A new series about how fat and disgusting everyone in America is becoming. Good thing you can watch the whole thing from your couch at dinnertime.
SEASON PREMIERE America's Got Talent, 8 p.m., NBC The real talent will be correctly guessing how many times Nick Cannon talks about his twins and Sharon Osbourne talks about her grandchild, taking the spotlight away from new judge Howard Stern.
SEASON FINALE How I Met Your Mother, 8:30 p.m., CBS We find out who Barney's wife is while Lily is in labor. So the series is winding down, right?
SEASON FINALE Make It or Break It, 9 p.m., ABC Family Kaylie gets bad news from her blood test. Turns out she's not really a gymnast.
SEASON FINALE Two and a Half Men, 9 p.m., CBS Jake graduates from high school, something Uncle Charlie never thought he'd live to see. Wait a minute …
SEASON FINALE Hart of Dixie, 9 p.m., CW George and Lemon's wedding may be interrupted by a huge storm. That's really good luck, we hear.
SEASON PREMIERE The Bachelorette, 9:30 p.m., ABC Emily Maynard deals with Brad Womack's rejection by bringing dozens of men into her 6-year-old daughter's life to play Let's Find A Daddy. Production was moved to North Carolina for the kid's sake, no doubt thrilling all the mantestants.
SEASON FINALE Mike & Molly, 9:30 p.m., CBS Jeez, will you two just get married already? We've been waiting for weeks. Watch out for storms.
SEASON FINALE Hawaii Five-0, 10 p.m., CBS Sounds like somebody's gonna die. Budget cuts on primetime dramas are getting really tight.
SEASON FINALE Smash, 10 p.m., NBC Tom and Julia are afraid the show may come to a close, but we all know Smash has been picked up already.
SEASON FINALE 90210, 8 p.m., CW Naomi gets a job offer in New York, so it seems this show's title may be getting changed soon.
SEASON FINALE NCIS: Los Angeles, 9 p.m., CBS A criminal tries to get revenge on Chris O'Donnell and LL Cool J. It could potentially be anyone who ever watched one of their movies in the 1990s.
SEASON FINALE Fashion Star, 10 p.m., NBC Somebody has to win. That's how these shows work.
SEASON FINALE Private Practice, 10 p.m., ABC Sounds like we may only get one more season of Addison & Co. after tonight. If only there was a melodramatic show about doctors to replace it!
SEASON PREMIERE Pregnant in Heels, 10 p.m., Bravo The maternity concierge returns to help a woman who has a special request involving her placenta. Yeah, it's what you think.
SEASON FINALE Suburgatory, 8:30 p.m., ABC Tessa feels left out on Mother's Day, so she decides to get pregnant! Just kidding. But we can't wait to see what Alicia Silverstone has planned.
SEASON FINALE Interior Therapy With Jeff Lewis, 9 p.m, Bravo A comic and actor can't decorate. Are we supposed to be surprised by that information?
SEASON FINALE Criminal Minds, 9 p.m., CBS The team has to negotiate with a gang of serial killers who are robbing a bank. If only they can do some other crime, they'll have a trifecta on their hands.
Sold!, 11 p.m., History A bowhunter has thousands of stuffed trophies to sell. Maybe he can find a hundred or so redneck bars looking to update their decor.
SEASON FINALE Missing, 8 p.m., ABC Becca tries one last time to save Michael, but first must defeat the media's attempts to sensationalize an alleged plastic surgery scandal. Nah, that's just what Ashley Judd has been doing in real life.
SEASON FINALE Rules of Engagement, 8:30 p.m., CBS Jen puts the wrong date on the invitations to Audrey's baby shower. That's one way to surprise her.
SEASON FINALE Grey's Anatomy, 9 p.m., ABC This looks to be the season the cast is really going to turn over. At least no one got run over by a bus this time, right, O'Malley?
SEASON FINALE Person of Interest, 9 p.m., CBS Reese is chased by the FBI with his POI and has to leave the city PDQ. OMG!
SEASON FINALE The Mentalist, 10 p.m., CBS Patrick's really in free fall at this point. His pals may want to just send him a text instead of dropping by.
SEASON FINALE Scandal, 10 p.m., ABC Quinn is having some problems of her own this week. If only she knew someone who was good in a crisis.
SEASON FINALE Shark Tank, 8 p.m., ABC This week we see a home gym, some cosmetics and a shoe made of recycled materials. You mean, like old shoes?
SEASON FINALE Nikita, 8 p.m., CW A building blows up at the end, and Maggie Q shoots people. That's enough for us.
SEASON FINALE Supernatural, 9 p.m., CW Sam and Dean have to square off with a tough opponent. We'd be scared of someone named Dick Roman, too.
SEASON FINALE Grimm, 9 p.m., NBC Nick and Hank are dealing with a series of murders, but it just makes them want to find more gold coins. It's nice when a major plot device of the show is reminiscent of Super Mario Bros.
SEASON FINALE Whale Wars: Viking Shores, 10 p.m., Animal Planet The Sea Shepherds are proud no whales have been killed while they've been on patrol, but then again, no pilot whales have been seen. That kinda makes it hard to claim any sort of victory.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org