On TV this week
SEASON FINALE House, 8 p.m., Fox Say so long to Dr. Cuddy, because Lisa Edelstein won't be back next season. Oh, and somebody's sick, too.
SEASON FINALE Make It or Break It, 9 p.m., ABC Family The cheerleaders show up in Rio for the world championships. People are too busy watching the national sport of beach volleyball to care.
American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior. 9 p.m., Discovery The OCC crew meets with the Hillstrand brothers from The Deadliest Catch to make a bike based on that show. As if crab fishing in the Bering Sea wasn't dangerous enough for those guys.
SEASON FINALE The Event, 9 p.m., NBC Unless another network picks it up, this will be the last episode of this show, which fell victim to requiring people to pay attention to it. Well, and making the aliens absolutely unsympathetic. Let 'em die, we say.
SEASON PREMIERE The Bachelorette, 9 p.m., ABC Ashley Hebert from the last season of The Bachelor tries out 25 guys for a test drive in this show that's always guaranteed to entertain crazy cat ladies.
Clash of the Commercials: U.S.A. vs. the World, 10 p.m., CBS Heidi Klum and John Lehr pit 10 U.S. commercials against 10 from around the globe to see which is better. It's going to be a massacre of soccer-like proportions.
SEASON FINALE The Biggest Loser, 8 p.m., NBC They determine which of the final four has lost the most but also gained the most. It's like a metaphysical puzzle, see.
SEASON FINALE Dancing With the Stars, 9 p.m., ABC We tuned out when Ralph Macchio got the boot.
SEASON FINALE Glee, 9 p.m., Fox These kids do realize that it's unrealistic to expect to go to Nationals every single year, right? Besides, they should be graduating soon, anyway.
SEASON FINALE Pregnant in Heels, 10 p.m., Bravo This show, which has helped speed up the rate in which we lose faith in humanity, now showcases an idiot who knows nothing about being a dad. Hint: You'll be changing diapers too, pops.
SEASON FINALE The Middle, 8 p.m., ABC It's the end of the school year for the Heck kids, and we all know what that means: reruns.
SEASON FINALE American Idol, 8 p.m., Fox Will the country singer win, or will it be the other country singer? In other news, have you seen The Voice yet?
SEASON FINALE Modern Family, 9 p.m., ABC For his birthday, Jay simply wants to do some quiet fishing on the lake, but nooooo, his family won't allow that. Why do they do that?
SEASON FINALE Cougar Town, 9:30 p.m., ABC Remember when this show was simply about Monica from Friends screwing around with guys 10 years her junior? What happened to that?
SEASON FINALE Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior, 10 p.m., CBS French Stewart stars as a guy who likes to go to crowded places and start shooting. Maybe all he wanted was some peace and quiet on his birthday.
SEASON FINALE Happy Endings, 10:30 p.m., ABC Everyone gets invited to a slacker friend's wedding, and we all know why — more gifts.
SEASON PREMIERE So You Think You Can Dance, 8 p.m., Fox Mary Murphy is back and healthier than ever, screaming in that high-frequency squeal of hers as more people desperately seek a moment of fleeting fame.
SERIES PREMIERE River Monsters: Unhooked, 10 p.m., Animal Planet If you like the show River Monsters and wondered what everyone was thinking while they were taping the show, you're in luck, because this is the same series, but with captioned commentary from Jeremy Wade. It's like a DVD extra, but you don't have to pay another $19.98 for it.
SERIES FINALE Secret Diary of a Call Girl, 10:30 p.m., Showtime Will Belle get out of the business? She'll have to, because this show's run is over.
Friday Night Lights, 8 p.m., NBC The Lions are embarrased about a secret revealed on a website. Spoiler alert: All the players are just actors.
SERIES PREMIERE River Monsters: The Lost Reels. 9 p.m., Animal Planet Another spinoff of this show, this time featuring older footage not shown on the TV show. Riveting, truly.
Hooked, 9 p.m., NatGeo How can we not recommend a show featuring scientists attempting to control the alien carp invasion by shooting the fish in midair? That's what should be on River Monsters.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org