On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE The Bachelorette, 8 p.m., ABC Desiree Hartsock wasn't good enough for The Bachelor's Sean Lowe, but maybe she'll be able to convince some other poor dope she's not damaged goods. We could say that about any contestant on these shows, really.
SEASON FINALE River Monsters, 8 p.m., Animal Planet Nothing says Memorial Day like a two-hour exploration of Loch Ness in Scotland. Let's stop in Iceland and Norway along the way, just to check for Nessie there, too.
SEASON PREMIERE The Glades, 9 p.m., A&E An heiress is found dead in a haunted plantation house. Fifteen reality shows descend on the location to begin filming true crime stories and paranormal investigations.
Ring of Fire, 9 p.m., Lifetime Jewel Kilcher tries to one up Reese Witherspoon by playing June Carter Cash in a Johnny Cash biopic bookend. Matt Ross from Big Love has nothing on Joaquin Phoenix, so this one could be a stretch.
SEASON PREMIERE Longmire, 10 p.m., A&E Walt has to chase down a serial killer who escaped during a prison transfer in the middle of a raging storm. Time to deputize a few of those frontiersman, we think.
SEASON PREMIERE Extreme Weight Loss, 8 p.m., ABC Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition practices what it preaches by shedding two words from its title for the third season. By next year it'll simply be called Extreme Loss.
SERIES PREMIERE The Haves and the Have Nots, 9 p.m., OWN Tyler Perry stretches his drama chops by making this Savannah, Ga., version of Downton Abbey, about rich people and their servants. At least Thomas won't have to hide the fact he's gay in Savannah.
SERIES PREMIERE Family S.O.S. With Jo Frost, 9 p.m., TLC The Supernanny is back on TV where she belongs, basically doing the same thing she did before. We look forward to the many more polite translations of "you're a terrible parent" to come.
SEASON FINALE Body of Proof, 10 p.m., ABC Megan's father is exhumed, but doesn't answer much. Well, other than questions about whether he was a vampire.
MINISERIES PREMIERE Brooklyn DA, 10 p.m., CBS The Kings County District Attorney's Office in New York is the setting for a six-part reality show. Although, since they handle 1,000 cases a week, the series will only show every cast member for about four minutes apiece.
SERIES PREMIERE Extreme Parking, 10 p.m., Travel An entire series about unusual ways people park cars. Yes, it's come to this.
SERIES PREMIERE The American Baking Competition, 8 p.m., CBS Jeff Foxworthy hosts a baking competition. Unless the contestants are baking hoe cakes or cornbread, this may be something that finally proves Foxworthy is no longer a redneck.
SEASON PREMIERE Baby Daddy, 8:30 p.m., ABC Family Ben still has a daughter, and still doesn't know what he's doing. Wait until that kid is a teenager.
SERIES PREMIERE Dancing Fools, 9 p.m., ABC Family People who have recorded themselves dancing and then posted it online get to be on real television and compete for $10,000. That should just about cover all the bandwidth overages they had.
SERIES PREMIERE Love Thy Neighbor, 9 p.m., OWN Tyler Perry continues his plans to eventually write, direct and produce every show on Oprah's network. This one is about a family-run restaurant in which hilarity no doubt ensues.
SERIES PREMIERE Two Truths and a Lie, 10 p.m., ABC Cynthia McFadden and Bill Weir host a Nightline spinoff examining consumer issues. Like whether network TV will survive in a world dominated by basic cable, streaming movie services and Hulu.
SEASON FINALE Psych, 10 p.m., USA Anthony Michael Hall shows up as a police consultant to help interview Shawn, Gus, Juliet and Lassiter. It's almost like he can see what they're thinking, whether they tell him or not.
Save Me, 8 p.m., NBC Beth turns out to be the only one who wants to help a lonely old woman in the neighborhood. Maybe God's message to be a good Samaritan was a practical joke.
Motive, 9 p.m., ABC A customs officer murders a limousine driver. Hey, things can get stressful at the airport.
Hannibal, 10 p.m., NBC Will contaminates a crime scene when he believes he's the killer. Well, they're certainly going to think that now.
SEASON PREMIERE What Would You Do?, 9 p.m., ABC Ready to feel bad about the state of humanity even more? Let's watch people not respond to another round of uncomfortable situations.
Tanked, 9 p.m., Animal Planet An RV owner wants an aquarium built inside his RV. Now his fish will get motion sickness two different ways.
SERIES PREMIERE Marriage Boot Camp: Bridezillas, 9 p.m., WEtv Five couples with troubled marriages share a house with four counselors who make them work on their relationships. Does this sound like a recipe for divorce court to anyone else?
SERIES PREMIERE Pregnant & Dating, 10 p.m., WEtv Five career women who want babies but haven't landed significant others try to finish that project on deadline. Because they're all already pregnant. That does throw a monkeywrench in things.
SERIES FINALE Merlin, 10 p.m., Syfy Merlin arrives to help Arthur defeat Morgana. If we remember our English lit well enough, this doesn't have the happiest of all potential endings. — Joshua Gillin [email protected]