On TV this week
The Secret Life of the American Teenager, 8 p.m., ABC Family Why are all the characters hanging out at an abandoned toy warehouse for the holidays? So Kathy can go into labor, natch.
Bones, 8 p.m., Fox The team finds the body of a crime scene cleaner in an impenetrable pod. But then how do they get the victim out?
American Pickers, 9 p.m., History Mike wants to buy an overpriced motorcycle sign from a guy known as the godfather of gas station collectibles. Wait until you see the price when the oil runs out.
Taboo, 9 p.m., NatGeo A lot of cultures think evil spirits can possess you and require exorcism to cure. A lot of cultures also don't have running water or aspirin.
Ben and Kate, 8:30 p.m., Fox Will tells Kate to go to her high school reunion to stand up to an old bully. The very fact you give a moment's thought to your high school years proves you are emotionally stunted and should seek help from people not like Will.
New Girl, 9 p.m., Fox Jamie Lee Curtis and Rob Reiner show up as Jess' divorced parents. She seems to think they should get back together, for some reason, but she doesn't get that those Hollywood marriages never work.
The Mindy Project, 9:30 p.m., Fox We find out on Thanksgiving that Mindy used to date Ed Helms. Good thing they didn't stay together, because we hear he gets a little crazy when he's had too much to drink.
SEASON FINALE Covert Affairs, 10 p.m., USA Annie is in Amsterdam to nab Khalid Ansari. And visit a coffee shop. Because, you know, why not?
Criminal Minds, 9 p.m., CBS A busload of children goes missing on the outskirts of D.C. Maybe they're just stuck in construction detours.
The Houstons: On Our Own, 9 p.m., Lifetime Not one, but TWO episodes tonight. We hope your tolerance is up by now.
Chicago Fire, 10 p.m., NBC Seven words that will get every viewer to pay attention: Meth lab at a day care center. Then everyone needs to take a drug test. Good thing Severide isn't secretly taking painkillers. Oh, wait.
Top Chef: Seattle, 10 p.m., Bravo Tom and Emeril lead two teams during a Thanksgiving challenge, which must be difficult to get in the mood for in the middle of the summer, when they're shooting it.
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, 9 a.m., NBC To save money this year, half the floats will be replaced with floating, temporary FEMA housing.
The National Dog Show, noon, NBC Football wives continue their annual tradition of tuning one of the TVs in the house to this to watch the doggies.
NFL, 12:30 p.m., CBS Who cares about dogs? The Texans are playing the Lions. Then the Redskins are playing the Cowboys on Fox. Then the Patriots are playing the Jets on NBC. Not that we'll be awake to watch any of it.
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, 8 p.m., ABC Another year, another broadcast about malnourished children putting peer pressure on Charlie Brown, who forces his dog to cook because he's not old enough to turn on the stove.
Bad 25, 9:30 p.m., ABC Spike Lee makes a documentary about the Michael Jackson album Bad, which turns 25 this year. Weird Al Yankovic's Even Worse, meanwhile, is only 24.
Jingle & Bell's Christmas Star, 7 p.m., Hallmark The network's first animated holiday special has Keith Urban telling the story of a dog who learns what Christmas is all about: Marketing to everyone as fast as possible once Thanksgiving is over.
Frosty the Snowman, 8 p.m., CBS Sad to say, Frosty couldn't even head to the North Pole anymore, because he'll melt no matter where he goes.
Hoops & Yoyo Ruin Christmas, 9 p.m., CBS A kitty and bunny from a greeting card line get a special of their own. Shouldn't this be the one on the Hallmark Channel?
The Happy Elf, 9 p.m., CW Harry Connick Jr. wrote two songs and narrates a special about an elf who goes to the unhappiest town on Earth. No, not Detroit. Not Philadelphia, either. Baltimore? Close.
It's a SpongeBob Christmas!, 9:30 p.m., CBS Plankton spikes fruitcakes to turn everyone bad. Funny, there's a guy here in the office who does the same thing.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org