On TV this week
Monday Night Football, 8:30 p.m., ESPN Boy, after last season, ESPN probably thought the Kansas City Chiefs and the New England Patriots would be a great matchup this year. The Pats would beg to differ. They'd also like a defense, too.
SERIES PREMIERE The Layover, 9 p.m., Travel Anthony Bourdain continues to talk about all the awesome places he goes, speaking in perma-soundbite syntax as he spends 48 hours or less in cities and shows you what to do instead of sleep on an airport cot waiting for your flight.
You Deserve It, 9 p.m., ABC It's like Deal or No Deal, if the contestants were winning money for other people. The Bachelor's Chris Harrison and Brooke Burns are hosts, because Howie Mandel was too busy.
Castle, 10 p.m., ABC And now the moment all the Star Trek nerds have been waiting for: Guessing how much weight Michael Dorn has gained since we saw him last.
SEASON FINALE Dancing with the Stars, 9 p.m., ABC Sorry, we quit paying attention after spoilsport Hope Solo got bounced. Somebody has to win tonight, though.
SEASON FINALE The Millionaire Matchmaker, 9 p.m., Bravo Patti quits telling everyone else what failures they are and tries to have a match made for herself. Because everyone wants an opinionated, rude, plastic surgery-addicted shrew of their very own.
Parenthood, 10 p.m., NBC Adam and Kristina's marriage could be in trouble after some inappropriate behavior at work. What, did they set their Blackberrys to indicate when it was okay to fool around?
Fashion Hunters, 10:30 p.m., Bravo A stylist from Sex and the City shows up, no doubt to criticize the entire operation and gossip about how Sarah Jessica Parker looks without makeup.
Mobbed, 9 p.m., Fox Howie Mandel has another installment of this special, which is kind of like Candid Camera, if there was only one joke that a lot of people were in on.
Happy Endings, 9:30 p.m., ABC Jane is going to design a dress for Alex to wear to a charity event. So that's what Elisha Cuthbert is calling auditions for the 24 movie.
Top Chef: Texas, 10 p.m., Bravo It's Texas, in case you haven't been beaten over the head with that enough yet, but instead of dealing with snakes, the chefs must cook with chili peppers. We can't wait until the armadillo episode, personally.
American Horror Story, 10 p.m., FX We finally find out who the guy in the rubber suit is. Surprise! It's not Zed the redneck sheriff's cousin from Pulp Fiction.
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, 9 a.m., NBC Giant balloons continue their annual tradition of terrorizing Manhattan.
The National Dog Show, Noon, NBC The Kennel Club of Philadelphia continues to try to outdo Westminster, and fails.
NFL Football, 12:30 p.m., Fox The Detroit Lions are finally in a competitive game once again. No, not against the Green Bay Packers, but rather the fans vs. Nickelback performing in the halftime show. Also: Dolphins vs. Cowboys, 49ers vs. Ravens.
Kaleidoscope on Ice, 4 p.m., Fox An all-star skate with Dorothy Hamill, Scott Hamilton, Nancy Kerrigan, Sasha Cohen, Johnny Weir and more people for the wives to watch while the husbands nap or pretend they can still play football in the yard.
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, 8 p.m., ABC The annual tradition of watching a dozen orphaned, legless children eat a meal of burnt popcorn and jellybeans prepared by a dog. Just like home!
Ice Age: A Mammoth Christmas, 8 p.m., Fox Sid the Sloth ruins Manny's decorations so he heads to the North Pole to convince Santa he's not naughty. And deserves yet another full-length feature film.
Happiness Is a Warm Blanket Charlie Brown, 8:30 p.m., Fox This is one of those new specials with new voices we don't know, so we've never seen it. It involves Linus trying to ditch his blanket during a visit from grandma or something.
A Very Gaga Thanksgiving, 9:30 p.m., ABC Because when we think Thanksgiving, we think Lady Gaga. Don't you? Hey, she's got a new single to push, y'know.
Hoops & Yoyo Ruin Christmas, 8 p.m., CBS A special starring a cat and bunny from a greeting-card line. It's no worse than kids from a comic strip, we suppose.
The Elf on the Shelf: An Elf's Story, 8:30 p.m., CBS A special based on the book that says tiny elves hang out at your house and spy on you. And you thought the Patriot Act was bad.
Olive, the Other Reindeer, 9 p.m., CW You know, as in "all of the other reindeer." Except Olive is a dog. Cute.
SERIES PREMIERE Tyler Perry's For Better or Worse, 10 p.m., TBS Tyler Perry's 1,147th project in the past five years, this time with Michael Jai White as the former football player spun off from Why Did I Get Married?. The answer, of course, is so you, too, can get your own Tyler Perry TV show.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org