On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, 8 p.m., Bravo As if the show already isn't insufferable enough, this season opens as a crossover with Vanderpump Rules. The vanity and self-importance is turned up to 11.
Hart of Dixie, 8 p.m., CW Zoe volunteers herself and Joel to chaperone the Go Girl Tween Adventure, but for some reason he doesn't want to do it. That's because he's been around tween girls before.
SEASON PREMIERE Bizarre Foods America, 9 p.m., Travel Andrew Zimmern heads to New Jersey to try some new foods. Stopping at any plaza on the turnpike qualifies.
The Blacklist, 10 p.m., NBC Liz asks Red to look for a scientist potentially involved in a chemical attack. Considering he's played by Robert Sean Leonard from House, he's ranking high among the persons of interest.
The Originals, 8 p.m., CW Klaus goes to great lengths to protect Hayley now that she's pregnant. Digging a moat may or may not be involved.
The Biggest Loser, 8 p.m., NBC The trainers send all the contestants into a pumpkin patch filled with candy, daring them not to eat any of it. That's okay, they ate their fill last week, anyway.
Trophy Wife, 9:30 p.m., ABC Jackie goes to Pete and Kate's party and hooks up with one of Pete's coworkers. Is this the plot line where she's into him and he doesn't like her, or vice versa?
Chasing Nashville, 10 p.m., Lifetime Helena is mad her mom took the producers' makeover idea over hers. Hey, just be glad she's willing to do a makeover at all.
The 47th Annual CMA Awards, 8 p.m., ABC Believe it or not, Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood are hosting again. This makes the sixth time. One more year and they get a set of steak knives.
American Pickers, 9 p.m., History An artist has made shrines to every woman in his life, including his six ex-wives. We can only hope he hasn't included their bones in said shrines.
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, 9 p.m., NBC Broadway's Billy Porter stars as a singing coach and reality show star accused of molesting a 4-year-old. That's not what his resume meant when it listed his experience in Kinky Boots.
American Horror Story: Coven, 10 p.m., FX Fiona and Myrtle fight over who will be in charge of the coven. Careful, Myrtle, Jessica Lange is the one who keeps coming back to this anthology series every season.
Inside the Actors Studio, 8 p.m., Bravo Some of the Arrested Development cast come on the show to talk about the series' resurgence. Gee, how do any of them know James Lipton?
Grey's Anatomy, 9 p.m., ABC It's kinda no fun for Shonda Rhimes to make Meredith and Cristina enemies. We'd think Sandra Oh would want to leave the show under better circumstances.
Pawn Stars, 10 p.m., History Somebody brings in a Winchester rifle taken from an American Indian at the Wounded Knee massacre. We didn't know there were U.S. soldiers left alive to take weapons from them.
Million Dollar Shoppers, 10 p.m., Lifetime One of Barbet's clients is offended by Barbet's choices, because she is an animal-rights activist. Yeah, maybe those boots made from baby seals and tusk ivory weren't the best choice.
The Carrie Diaries, 8 p.m., CW Larissa is back from a summer in Kyoto, so she takes Carrie and Walt to a Japanese festival. Staying somewhere for three whole months makes you an expert in everything, don't you know.
America's Next Top Model, 9 p.m., CW In the first part of a two-part season finale, one contestant feels left out because the group doesn't support her. Of course they don't support her — this is modeling.
SERIES PREMIERE The Lylas, 9 p.m., WEtv Bruno Mars is so talented, his unproven sisters Tiara, Tahiti, Jaime and Presley are getting their own show chronicling their attempt to make it in the music industry. You already have a TV show, so what more do you need?
Dracula, 10 p.m., NBC Grayson wants to know if Lady Jayne is a vampire hunter. He's got a lot at stake.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org