On TV this week
SERIES PREMIERE Home & Family, 10 a.m., Hallmark A morning show for people who think the Today show is just a bit too hard-hitting. Complete with a fake house built at Universal Studios!
SERIES PREMIERE Marie, Noon, Hallmark And in case Home & Family stresses you out too much, Marie Osmond will be discussing issues with big-time guests. Like her friends and members of her family.
iHeartRadio Music Festival, 8 p.m., CW A collage of performances from Usher, Bon Jovi, Swedish House Mafia, Taylor Swift, Pink, Rihanna, No Doubt, Lil' Wayne, Miranda Lambert, Brad Paisley and more. Something tells us Billie Joe Armstrong's pre-rehab freakout during Green Day's set won't make the cut.
SERIES PREMIERE Don't Sleep, 11 p.m., BET T.J. Holmes satirizes pop culture, politics and news from an African-American perspective. We thought W. Kamau Bell was already doing that with Totally Biased.
SEASON PREMIERE Hart of Dixie, 8 p.m., CW Zoe has to pick between George and Wade. Hey, George left a girl at the altar for you, sweetheart. Respect.
SEASON PREMIERE 30 for 30, 8 p.m., ESPN The sports docs return with an episode about athletes who blow their multimillion-dollar contracts. Someone should really tell them not everyone needs to ride to work in a Maybach.
How Playboy Changed the World, 9 p.m., History A special about six decades of finding your dad's stash in the back of the linen closet. And the uncomfortable talks that ensue.
SERIES PREMIERE Airport 24/7: Miami, 9 p.m., Travel We follow the TSA in an obvious hack-job series attempting to distract America from the boot being pressed against their necks. RISE UP, FELLOW TRAVELERS! NO MORE NAKED X-RAYS! NO MORE SEARCHING 6-MONTH-OLD BABIES!
SERIES PREMIERE Oprah: Where Are They Now?, 10 p.m., OWN What happened to all those people who were on The Oprah Winfrey Show over the years? Surely they didn't all end up on some followup show with Maury Povich.
Presidential Debate, 9 p.m., major networks The best thing about this first of three debates is that we're one step closer to election season coming to a close. Also, someone's bound to say something hilarious, and the Internet needs some new memes.
SEASON PREMIERE Supernatural, 9 p.m., CW In case you were wondering, this isn't the presidential debate, despite the title. We know, we were confused, too!
SERIES PREMIERE Coast Guard Florida, 9 p.m., Weather It's like Coast Guard Alaska, but a whole lot warmer. Trivia: Did you know Al Roker produces these?
SERIES PREMIERE Life After Top Chef, 10 p.m., Bravo Former Top Chef contestants struggle to make it in the restaurant world. Normally we'd roll our eyes, but it has Richard Blais from Atlanta, Jen Carroll from Philadelphia, Spike Mendelsohn from Washington, D.C., and Fabio Viviani from Los Angeles, so we'll give it a shot.
Paranormal Witness, 10 p.m., Syfy A whole 90 minutes discussing the 37-year-old case of Travis Walton. Just watch Fire in the Sky and draw your own conclusions.
SEASON FINALE American Hoggers, 11 p.m., A&E Jerry goes on what may be his last hunt. It seems there's a bacon shortage on the way.
SEASON FINALE The Next, 8 p.m., CW Who will get a record contract and fade from public awareness forever? Find out tonight!
SEASON PREMIERE 30 Rock, 8 p.m., NBC The seventh and final season starts tonight. Don't be a in a rush to watch all of these, because the cast and network agreed upon a half-season to speed things up. It seems Liz doesn't like the shows Jack picked for the fall, so we all have that in common.
SEASON PREMIERE Gabriel Iglesias Presents Stand-Up Revolution, 10 p.m., Comedy Standup from the Fort Lauderdale Improv. It must be down the street from where they're shooting Coast Guard Florida.
SEASON PREMIERE Jersey Shore, 10 p.m., MTV This one is ending after this season, too, marking the end of the Dark Ages of MTV programming. Too bad there are so many spinoffs floating around out there.
MLB Baseball, 6 p.m., TBS The first of two Wild Card games for the night. We were just thinking baseball's playoffs were too short.
Paranormal Paparazzi, 7 p.m., Travel The team investigates whether Will Ferrell's trailer is haunted. Not unless you count photos with him not wearing a shirt as ghosts.
SEASON PREMIERE Monsters Inside Me, 8 p.m., Animal Planet A toddler will only eat cat food. Sounds perfectly normal to the parents watching tonight.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org