On TV this week
How I Met Your Mother, 8 p.m., CBS Barney's mom and Robin are fighting, so Lily tells him how to deal with it. We would suggest three fingers of Scotch and a room with dim lighting.
The Voice, 8 p.m., NBC Now it's time to watch the hopefuls fight it out in the battle rounds. Because nothing sounds sweeter than the delicate melody of crushed dreams.
Hostages, 10 p.m., CBS Nina tells Duncan she wants to stop her treatment so she can spend time with her family. We know a guy named Walter White who started off arguing that.
Ancient Aliens, 10 p.m., History Tonight discusses whether the ancient Sumerians really were visited by aliens they called Anunnaki. As opposed to the Cimmerians, who were visited by a barbarian they named Conan.
Superheroes: A Never-Ending Battle, 8 p.m., PBS (check local listings for time) You know a pop-cultural phenomenon like superheroes has simultaneously achieved legitimacy and day-to-day irrelevance when it gets a three-hour documentary on public television. The least PBS could do is get Hollywood to stop making so many movies about them.
SEASON PREMIERE Baggage Battles, 9 p.m., Travel Among the many pieces of unclaimed luggage being combed though, a leather belt that is somehow connected to Buffalo Bill pops up. We're talking Wild West Buffalo Bill, not the one from Silence of the Lambs.
SERIES PREMIERE Gem Hunt, 10 p.m., Travel A gem dealer, a jewelry expert and a geologist search the world for valuable jewels. Tonight, they try to avoid detection while hunting for rubies in Vietnam. Sounds perfectly legal.
Chicago Fire, 10 p.m., NBC It's really looking like Clarke is the mole in the firehouse. Now's when the writers of 24 would have Jack Bauer torture it out of him.
Toy Story OF TERROR!, 8 p.m., ABC A new special starring the characters from the cartoon movies, actually featuring Tom Hanks and Tim Allen in the voice cast. Now you won't have to explain to your kids why Woody and Buzz sound so strange.
Duck Dynasty, 10 p.m., A&E Si decides to make an instructional video on YouTube. If it's not how to grow the ultimate ironic hipster beard, we don't see it doing very well.
Top Chef, 10 p.m., Bravo The cheftestants, whose names we still haven't learned for the most part, must replicate the menu from the Commander's Palace restaurant. Paul Prudhomme is one of the judges, so go big or go home.
American Horror Story: Coven, 10 p.m., FX The jury is still out on this season's storyline, but we can all agree on one thing: The lack of aliens makes it much better than last year.
Parks and Recreation, 8 p.m., NBC Tom Haverford has a new girlfriend, so it's time to start your betting pool on how many episodes Tatiana Maslany lasts. The over/under is sitting at five right now.
Welcome to the Family, 8:30 p.m., NBC Ricardo Chavira and Eva Longoria reunite to wink at their former Desperate Housewives audience by having Eva play Demetrio's teacher, who just so happens to be Miguel's old girlfriend. Lisette will totally be okay with it.
SERIES PREMIERE Reign, 9 p.m., CW Ever skewed to younger audiences, the CW tries to show that teenagers had it tough in the 1500s, too. This time a 15-year-old who happens to be Mary, Queen of Scots, must travel to France to get engaged to some guy named Prince Francis. If you want to spoil the story, go ahead and read your history, but it's gonna make a decent soap opera.
SEASON FINALE Project Runway, 9 p.m., Lifetime Even with Kerry Washington judging, who cares who wins this week? We're still reeling from Tim Gunn telling In Touch Weekly he wants to bitch slap Miley Cyrus.
SEASON PREMIERE White Collar, 9 p.m., USA Can Neal prove Peter is innocent of killing Pratt? It looks like we're going to be taking a big chunk of the season finding out.
The Neighbors, 8:30 p.m., ABC Larry tries to combine Hanukkah with Halloween to come up with eight nights of trick-or-treating. On the very last night the trick will be a Type II diabetes diagnosis.
SERIES FINALE What Not to Wear, 9 p.m., TLC Stacy and Clinton finally decide a decade is long enough and plan their escape, helping a Las Vegas train wreck and checking in on past makeovers to see how little of their advice was taken. Whose wardrobes will millions of wives make fun of now?
SEASON FINALE Strike Back, 10 p.m., Cinemax The team has to take potentially immoral, illegal and unethical action to stop the impending attack. That delay in congressionally funded counter-terrorism assistance sure isn't helping.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org