On TV this week
How I Met Your Mother, 8 p.m., CBS Marshall and Lily try to decide who should be Marvin's godparents. Personally, we'd pick Barney, because at least the kid would have a go-getter attitude.
Major Crimes, 9 p.m., TNT A sniper kills someone at a ceremony, leading the unit to try to track down the gunman. Well, it was probably the guy with the rifle. Just spitballing.
Hoarders, 9 p.m., A&E The episodes where they try to force these poor saps into cleaning up everything are the best, because that's a fundamental misunderstanding of what hoarding is. Begin your own psychoanalysis … now.
SERIES PREMIERE My Shopping Addiction, 11 p.m., Oxygen A new show about young people with serious retail therapy problems. Brought to you by several sponsors who will try to convince you to go out and buy stuff.
NCIS, 8 p.m., CBS It's episode 200! Mark Harmon doesn't look an episode over 175.
SERIES PREMIERE Emily Owens, M.D., 9 p.m., CW It's like Grey's Anatomy meets Ally McBeal? Did we write "like"? We meant "is."
MINISERIES PREMIERE The Men Who Built America, 9 p.m., History An eight-part series about five rich guys — Cornelius Vanderbilt, John D. Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, J.P. Morgan and Henry Ford — who built that. Not for altruistic or patriotic reasons, mind you, but because it made them filthy, stinking rich.
Presidential Debate, 9 p.m., major networks A town hall meeting that Obama needs to ace or else he'll be eviscerated with guthooks on stage by Andrew Sullivan. Romney, meanwhile, needs to remember to keep working out this new personality circuitry he had installed last debate.
SERIES PREMIERE Underemployed, 10 p.m., MTV A comedy about recent grads who can't find work in their chosen fields. Poor little lambs. Gen Xers may remember it as the movie Reality Bites.
Arrow, 8 p.m., CW Hey, this show's actually pretty good. Who'da thunk it? Meanwhile, sales of archery supplies pick up from their post-Hunger Games and Brave lulls.
SEASON PREMIERE Suburgatory, 9:30 p.m., ABC Wilmer Valderrama is back while he waits for MTV to cook up another show for him to host. Where is Ashton Kutcher, anyway?
SEASON PREMIERE American Horror Story: Asylum, 10 p.m., FX In a novel twist, the bulk of the cast from the first season of this awesome show returns in a different era, in a different state, in a different setting, as different characters. Bonus: The house from last year is for sale in reality. Start bidding.
SERIES PREMIERE My Life Is a Lifetime Movie, 10 p.m., Lifetime It's like an hourlong Lifetime movie every week, but as a reality show. tbt*'s Deal Diva Stephanie says this is possibly the best idea for a series ever in the history of television.
Up All Night, 8:30 p.m., NBC Reagan and Chris realize they haven't been out for months, so they go on a double date with her former boss. See, in reality they'd be too busy fighting about some kind of nonsense to ever be able to enjoy it.
Two and a Half Men, 8:30 p.m., CBS Miley Cyrus guest stars as Walden's friend's daughter. In case you didn't think a dumb show could get any dumber.
SEASON FINALE Project Runway. 9 p.m., Lifetime We now get to see the fashion show that was at Lincoln Center a couple of months ago, and learn who won the contest and gets that contract. Bonus: Jennifer Hudson serves as a guest judge, so we'd better see some plus sized stuff.
SEASON PREMIERE Sweet Genius, 10 p.m., Food More Top Chef, dessert-style. If they're going to rip off a concept, at least they're doing it with food people in America would actually eat.
America's Next Top Model, 8 p.m., CW One of the girls that was eliminated is going to come back. Is it the shrill one? The emotional cripple? The pretty one the judges didn't choose because she looks like a real person and not a cartoon character? Trick question: That's all the same girl.
SEASON PREMIERE Nikita, 9 p.m., CW Ryan and Nikita focus on bringing in agents who didn't respond to the recall. Maybe all their brakes failed, or the locks on their car doors started a fire.
Boss, 9 p.m., Starz Watching this show, we've got to wonder, if one of our local politicians was having this kind of degenerative disorder, would we even notice? We're betting not.
SERIES PREMIERE Hunted, 10 p.m., Cinemax Melissa George stars a Jason Bourne-ish spy going off the grid. Not that spies really live on the grid, mind you.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org