On TV this week
The Voice, 8 p.m., NBC The knockout rounds have begun. Let's crush some dreams, already!
Scare Tactics, 8 p.m., SyFy There's a mini-marathon of new episodes happening tonight, spurred by the countdown to Halloween. Tracy Morgan pranking us is certainly one of the scarier things we can imagine.
Hostages, 10 p.m., CBS Ellen's sister Lauren shows up for a visit while Ellen is being held hostage. Lauren apparently has never heard the title of the show.
SERIES PREMIERE Bar Hunters, 10 p.m., Discovery Sommelier Tom Powers shows would-be bartenders three locations where they could open their pubs. Why would anyone want to be a bartender, with the late hours and the constant cleaning up and the blaring televisions and the obnoxious drunks? It would be like hosting Thanksgiving every day.
The Biggest Loser, 8 p.m., NBC The gym is emptied and the contestants must use Loserbucks to buy back the right equipment. We suggest the treadmill first, because it's the only machine that will allow you to focus on the TV while you, ahem, "exercise."
Storage Wars Texas, 9 p.m., A&E Kenny is back, but has a hard time getting back into the swing of things at the auction. Well, keeping up with that guy who's talking so fast can be difficult.
SEASON PREMIERE Little People, Big World, 9 p.m., TLC Matt and Amy are planning to expand the family business, so it's a good thing the kids are home for the summer. There's nothing like free labor to exploit to help your bottom line.
MINISERIES PREMIERE Naked Vegas, 10 p.m., SyFy This six-part series follows a team of body painters in Las Vegas who do things like paint an entire wedding party like zombies. These must be the people who don't have the sculpting skills for Face Off.
Back in the Game, 8:30 p.m., ABC Danny wants to go trick-or-treating with his teammates, but they're all scared of getting beat up by David and the other bullies. Guys, you're a baseball team. Have Grandpa Terry show you The Warriors so you can dress up as the Baseball Furies and take care of business.
Criminal Minds, 9 p.m., CBS A killer in Utah seems fascinated with the Salem Witch Trials. That means when you catch the person, tie them up in a sack and throw them in the river. If they get out of the bag, everything's cool.
Ghost Hunters, 9 p.m., SyFy Going to Cooperstown, N.Y., to look for ghosts in a supposedly haunted mansion is such a waste of time. They should go to the Baseball Hall of Fame to search for the ghost of untainted player achievements.
SEASON PREMIERE Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life, 10:30 p.m., MTV There's a second season of this reality show, for some strange reason. We checked out when she started yammering about drinking her own urine.
It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, 8 p.m., ABC Ah, it's the annual retelling of this family classic, which for decades has taught children the futility of hoping their dreams can come true. Or that they can successfully make their own Halloween costumes.
Grey's Anatomy, 9 p.m., ABC It's Halloween at the hospital, so that means lots of patients in costumes with fake blood. The scariest part will be Shonda Rhimes' ongoing fascination with giving Callie and Arizona's breakup more screen time. She cheated. She gets no say. Enough already.
Ghost Adventures, 9 p.m., Travel The trio actually go to Transylvania for this All Hallow's Eve episode, just to explore some haunted places that aren't related to Dracula. You mean Romania even has those?
Beyond Scared Straight, 10 p.m., A&E After the trick-or-treating and kid's parties, parents can get a real scare watching kids who drink sizzurp, gamble and fight, and have sex at 12. There ain't a zombie or a werewolf on earth more frightening than that lineup.
MasterChef Junior, 8 p.m., Fox It's the day after Halloween, but the scares keep coming. First up is the realization by a bunch of kids between 8 and 13 years old that hey, you don't always get a trophy when you don't win.
America's Next Top Model, 9 p.m., CW The models hang upside down with bats for a photo shoot, but one guy in particular has a problem with the challenge. Well, they should have told you there was no Batman costume back in wardrobe.
Grimm, 9 p.m., NBC Renard spends the whole episode trying to clean up after the zombies. So, basically, what you'll be doing yourself today.
Dracula, 10 p.m., NBC We can't understand why this one wasn't moved to Thursday this week, just to match the Halloween schedule. Probably because that would involve NBC making a decision that made some sense.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org