On TV this week
MLB Baseball, 5 p.m., TBS Continue to rue the crappy scheduling that puts the Rays on during your evening commute. Seriously, MLB, you suck.
How I Met Your Mother, 8 p.m., CBS Kal Penn returns to TV for the first time since joining the Obama administration in 2009. Wait until Hugh Laurie comes looking for him, demanding to know what the hell is going on.
NFL Football, 8:30 p.m., ESPN After watching the Rays, you will get a chance to actually see the Bucs on TV at home this year.
SEASON PREMIERE House, 9 p.m., Fox House is spending time in jail for crashing his car into Cuddy's home. Told you he didn't mess around, Kal Penn.
SEASON FINALE Warehouse 13, 9 p.m., SyFy The crew must stop a madman played by Anthony Michael Hall before he starts making sequels to all those John Hughes movies.
Renee, 8 p.m., ESPN A documentary about Renee Richards, nee Richard Raskind, who wanted to play in the 1977 U.S. Open as the first transgender tennis player. Spoiler alert: She got to play.
SERIES PREMIERE Made in America, 8 p.m., Travel It's like that John Ratzenberger show of the same name where a guy tours factories in which American products are made, except this time it's George Motz.
SEASON PREMIERE Mysteries at the Museum, 9 p.m., Travel Don Wildman continues to visit museums to find the stories behind art and artifacts. Since Stephen Colbert pointed it out, we'd like to know what happened to King Tut's penis.
SERIES PREMIERE Mad Fashion, 10 p.m., Bravo Project Runway refugee Chris March has his own show, which is about wacky fashion and crazy misadventures, strangely enough.
SEASON PREMIERE Chopped, 10 p.m., Food The chefs must make things out of canned goods and astronaut ice cream. It's like they're taunting us about the shuttle program being scrapped.
SEASON PREMIERE Off Limits, 10 p.m., Travel The secret lives of cities return. Yes, it's more Don Wildman.
SERIES PREMIERE Fashion Hunters, 10:30 p.m., Bravo Thrifty types go searching for big-money merchandise in second-hand stores. Like you'd really find Jimmy Choo and Chanel at the Goodwill.
SERIES PREMIERE Penn & Teller Tell a Lie, 10 p.m., Discovery Imagine if NPR's Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me made a TV show about their made-up news stories and had this magician duo present them. It's kinda like that.
SERIES PREMIERE American Horror Story, 10 p.m., FX A Boston family moves to a haunted house in L.A. That's just all the Dodgers fans heckling them.
SEASON PREMIERE Brad Meltzer's Decoded, 10 p.m., History More conspiracy theories about major cultural and historical subjects. Tonight: Billy the Kid, the Vatican and the Declaration of Independence.
SEASON FINALE Dance Moms, 10 p.m., Lifetime Abby's dancers are chosen to appear in a music video. You only really need a Flip camera to do that these days, you know.
SERIES PREMIERE Mad Scientists, 10 p.m., NatGeo A host takes us through the refuse of amateur inventors, which is reminiscent of getting a tour of Dr. Emmet Brown's house.
SEASON PREMIERE Nick Swardson's Pretend Time, 10:30 p.m., Comedy Central Wow, another Comedy Central show makes it to a second season. There's something you don't see every day.
History of the World in Two Hours, 9 p.m., History The title kind of gives away what this show is about. If you need us to explain it, you really are the target audience, dummy.
SERIES PREMIERE Gabriel Iglesias Presents Stand-Up Revolution, 10 p.m., Comedy Central A fat comedian and a house band. It's all you need, really.
SERIES PREMIERE The League, 10:30 p.m., FX We'd watch this show, but we're too busy updating our rosters. What's it about, again?
Supernatural, 9 p.m., CW Geek goddess Jewel Staite (you know, the mechanic from Firefly) stars as a demon who eats people's brains. A couple of geeks watching this show won't make it to the end without passing out.
SEASON PREMIERE Sanctuary, 10 p.m., SyFy The Abnormals are here, overrunning the Earth. Just check out who's at the mall these days as proof.
The Dead Files, 10 p.m., Travel Amy and Steve go to a small California town to find out whether a family there really has been haunted for generations. When their house folded in on itself, they started to get suspicious.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org