On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE Hart of Dixie, 8 p.m., CW Zoe spent the summer in New York and wants to go back, but is in BlueBell to wrap up some plotlines. Everyone knows the point of moving to New York is pretending you didn't come from some hick truck stop like BlueBell, so she should probably just leave all those unresolved conflicts to her therapist.
SEASON PREMIERE Beauty and the Beast, 9 p.m., CW Vincent shows up with his scar and his memory missing. What a perfect tie-in for people trying this show for the first time!
Ancient Aliens, 10 p.m., History This quasimentary is about 13 magical skulls allegedly left by aliens or whatever. Watch it and try to understand the fourth Indiana Jones movie — or not, because that thing makes no sense whatsoever.
The Blacklist, 10 p.m., NBC The FBI is looking for a Chinese spy who hires Red to decode a CIA transmission. Don't worry, the NSA already knows all about it.
SEASON PREMIERE The Biggest Loser, 8 p.m., NBC American Idol second-season winner Ruben Studdard and Olympic weightlifter Holley Mangold are two of the contestants this season. This now allows the trainers to put "celebrities" and "athletes" as client experience on their resumes.
SEASON PREMIERE Supernatural, 9 p.m., CW Sam collapses and is going to die, but Dean calls angels to help him recover. That's what House members will suggest as a replacement to Obamacare.
Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition, 9 p.m., Lifetime The focus this week is on Broadway-style numbers, which will factor into who is chosen for the first solo. And that's about as close to Broadway as the kids will ever get.
Cold Justice, 10 p.m., TNT Kelly and Yolanda head to a small town in Arizona to investigate the murder of a mother of two in 1995. You'd think with only a couple dozen people in the whole town, the list of suspects would be easy.
SEASON PREMIERE Arrow, 8 p.m., CW Oliver heads back to Starling City to find out things have gotten worse. The folks at Marvel have their own TV show now, really stacking the odds against DC.
SERIES PREMIERE The Tomorrow People, 9 p.m., CW A remake of a British show from the '70s about a high-schooler who finds out he has special powers like a bunch of other high-schoolers. No, the powers aren't the ability to eat everything in sight, sleep late and ignore any adult.
Top Chef, 10 p.m., Bravo The cheftestants will be feeding Habitat for Humanity volunteers. The FEMA people are on their own.
SEASON PREMIERE American Horror Story: Coven, 10 p.m., FX This season of the creepfest features Jessica Lange as the headmaster at a witch school in New Orleans. The Top Chef folks should consider feeding them, lest they cause problems.
Ironside, 10 p.m., NBC The ratings on this one are so low, we're surprised there's a second episode. Hope you picked it first in your cancellation pool.
SERIES PREMIERE Once Upon a Time in Wonderland, 8 p.m., ABC Another one of those "fairy tale-meets-real life" shows, which seem to be all the rage right now. Lewis Carroll probably wouldn't approve, even with John Lithgow playing the White Rabbit.
Project Runway, 9 p.m., Lifetime The contestants get ready for New York Fashion Week, which can mean only one thing: There's only one more week to watch Tim Gunn tell people to pull themselves together.
SEASON PREMIERE Pawn Stars, 10 p.m., History The boys have a chance to get a prop from The Godfather, but the show won't tell us what. We're going to skip over the "offer they can't refuse" jokes and opt instead for asking: How many days a week is History showing reality shows now? "Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday, Saturday."
SERIES PREMIERE Million Dollar Shoppers, 10:30 p.m., Lifetime A reality show about personal shoppers for rich people. Viewers are so desperate for a wage increase, they're willing to watch people spend other, richer people's money.
National Geographic Photographers: The Best Job in the World, 8 p.m., NatGeo How the photogs do what they do. The network may be a little biased in its description.
The Neighbors, 8:30 p.m., ABC Jackie's worried her friendship with Debbie is in trouble, so she takes her to a salon for a makeover. Because nothing says you like your friends the way they are like telling them to change everything about how they look.
America's Next Top Model, 9 p.m., CW Two of the models are too afraid to take photos at the zoo with leopards and snakes. All these years in, and people refuse to do things? That should be an instant disqualification. Enough of this garbage.
Strike Back, 10 p.m., Cinemax Scott and Stonebridge want to protect Ester like they said they would, but, hey, they work for the government. Who's going to pay the overtime?
— Joshua Gillin email@example.com