On TV this week
A note about timing: Oprah Winfrey's departure has led to some reshuffling: Dr. Phil moves to 4 p.m. on CBS, while Dr. Oz moves to 4 p.m. on NBC. WTSP also will extend its morning newscast a half-hour, debuting a new local morning show from 9 a.m. to 9:30 a.m. Meanwhile ...
SERIES PREMIERE Anderson, 9 a.m., ABC Here's CNN's Anderson Cooper, who no doubt will spend the whole time giggling about abhorrent celebrity behavior.
SERIES PREMIERE Numbers Never Lie, 3: 30 p.m., ESPN Charissa Thompson and Michael Smith host a show that analyzes stats to break down sports stories. How novel.
SERIES PREMIERE Dan Le Batard Is Highly Questionable, 4 p.m., ESPN2 The Miami radio host has graduated from Pardon the Interruption to his own show. Because everyone has their own show now.
SEASON PREMIERE Monday Night Football, 7 p.m., ESPN To kick off the next four months of football, the doubleheader includes the New England Patriots heading to Miami to beat the Dolphins and the Oakland Raiders off to Mile High to beat the Denver Broncos. Oh, like that's not how it's going to go.
SEASON FINALE Bachelor Pad, 8 p.m., ABC One of those shows about desperate people chasing their twisted notion of love comes to an end. Thank goodness.
Gaga by Gaultier, 8 p.m., CW Lady Gaga gets interviews by designer Jean Paul Gaultier, subtly cutting out the intermediate butt-kissing by music and fashion critics.
The 2011 Miss Universe Pageant, 9 p.m., NBC You know the drill: Gowns, bikinis, inane Q&As and a winner none of us know. Think Natalie Morales is glad she's a journalist now?
The CW 2011 Fall Preview Special, 9:16 p.m., CW Because it's hosted by Maggie Q and Kristoffer Polaha, this season preview is already way better than any of the shows this network has to offer.
SERIES PREMIERE Rise Up, 7 p.m., ESPN The stories of communities across America working toward updating their high schools' athletic facilities. Because their local education budgets have been cut to the bone, see.
SEASON FINALE Wipeout, 8 p.m., ABC This time, whomever gets through the game fastest wins an extra $25,000. Good thing those obstacles are always so easy.
SEASON PREMIERE 90210, 8 p.m., CW Naomi has to deal with her pregnancy and her loss of status now that she's in college. Because as we all know, her status is what she should be worrying about, as we all do in college.
SEASON FINALE It's Worth What?, 8 p.m., NBC A pair of friends from Pittsburgh and Baltimore get together to play the game. Wait, is it even possible for people from those two cities to be friends?
ABC News Special: Jacqueline Kennedy, in Her Own Words., 9 p.m., ABC Diane Sawyer hosts a listen through tape recordings Jackie made with Arthur M. Schlesinger Jr. in 1964 on the condition that they be released only after her death. Well, guess what?
SERIES PREMIERE Ringer, 9 p.m., CW Sarah Michelle Gellar returns to the WB — wait, no, the CW — as a recovering addict on the run after witnessing a contract killing and assuming her sister's identity after the sister kills herself. That's going to be one heck of a reality show.
SEASON PREMIERE Parenthood, 10 p.m., NBC Like Modern Family if Modern Family wasn't funny. Which it is. And that's why we watch Modern Family and not this.
Melissa & Joey, 8 p.m., ABC Family High school problems with Joey Lawrence in this midseason finale. If only Blossom would come back to the airwaves.
SEASON PREMIERE Survivor: South Pacific, 8 p.m., CBS The grandaddy of reality contests hits its 23rd season, this time staying Samoa. Hey, they get tax breaks that way.
SERIES PREMIERE H8R, 8 p.m., CW Poor, beleaguered celebrities get to face their most vocal detractors. We were just thinking celebrities were really disenfranchised in this society.
SEASON FINALE America's Got Talent, 8 p.m., NBC Having Nick Cannon announce you are the winner of a talent show is kind of like the government of China giving you a medal for humanitarian accomplishments.
SEASON PREMIERE America's Next Top Model, 9 p.m., CW The all-star cast finally scores some real celebrity guests, like Kathy Griffin, LaToya Jackson and Ashlee Simpson. Well, relatively famous. But hey, Nicki Minaj, too!
SEASON FINALE Roseanne's Nuts, 9:30 p.m., Lifetime Roseanne seeks help for menopause, which is precisely not the sort of thing we'd watch television to see.
SERIES PREMIERE Up All Night, 10 p.m., NBC Christina Applegate and Will Arnett star as a couple who bring home their baby daughter and can't get any sleep. Like new parents have any time to watch TV shows.
SERIES PREMIERE Hulk Hogan's Micro Championship Wrestling, 10 p.m., TruTV Hulk Hogan is back on TV coaching midget wrestlers. Okay, little-people wrestlers. In either case, Hulk's career is really mystifying us now.
SERIES PREMIERE Free Agents, 10:30 p.m., NBC A divorcee and a widow have a one-night stand and then decide to start a relationship. In nine months, they will take over Up All Night.
SEASON PREMIERE The Vampire Diaries, 8 p.m., CW It's Elena's birthday, but she's too busy trying to find Stefan to worry about the party Caroline is planning. Just check what his answer on the Facebook invite was. (Hint: Maybe.)
SERIES PREMIERE The Secret Circle, 9 p.m., CW It's like The Vampire Diaries, but about witches in Washington state. Please, don't invite any werewolves.
SEASON FINALE Beyond Scared Straight, 10 p.m., A&E For the end of the year, they should present a tally of how many of these punks actually end up in jail, but let you bet on it first.
SEASON PREMIERE It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, 10 p.m., FX The Philly version of Seinfeld returns, starting with Danny DeVito's Frank marrying a prostitute. Mac's really going to have to get remeasured for a tux.
Archer, 10:30 p.m., FX The master spy returns after his fiancee's murder. Hopefully this will be a better follow-up than Diamonds Are Forever.
SEASON PREMIERE Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 8 p.m., Cartoon Another depressing season reminding us that this cartoon is still way better than the three prequels. That's not saying much, we know.
2011 NCLR ALMA Awards, 8 p.m., NBC Eva Longoria and George Lopez co-host this ceremony for accomplished entertainers of Latin origin. Oh, Christina Aguilera, you're still not fooling anyone.
Living for 32, 8 p.m., Showtime Colin Goddard is a gun-control advocate who is trying to close a loophole that allows people to buy guns from private dealers without background checks. He is a little biased, we'll admit, but only because he survived the massacre of 32 people at Virginia Tech in 2007. So listen to his argument for a minute.
SEASON FINALE Karaoke Battle USA, 9 p.m., ABC The winner is announced and gets to represent the United States at the Karaoke World Championship in Ireland. And join Joey Fatone in his new boy band.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org