On TV this week
SEASON FINALE Bachelor Pad, 8 p.m., ABC Don't worry, folks, everything works out great for people of such high social caliber.
SEASON PREMIERE 90210, 8 p.m., CW OMG, they're like, tooootally gonna bulldoze the Peach Pit. Wait, what year is it?
SEASON PREMIERE Gossip Girl, 9 p.m., CW The cast members' quest to all land roles in R-rated movies continues.
SEASON FINALE The Closer, 9 p.m., TNT Brenda has to work with a counterterrorism unit to stop a possible attack. Don't take career advice from Jack Bauer.
The World of Jenks, 10:30 p.m., MTV A 24-year-old filmmaker profiles platinum-selling singers, homeless women, autistic adults and (we hope) the nitwit who decided to produce Jersey Shore.
SEASON PREMIERE One Tree Hill, 8 p.m., CW Brooke and Julian get engaged and Haley gets pregnant, although not all at the same time.
SEASON FINALE Minute to Win It, 8 p.m., NBC Two injured Iraq War veterans team up to win $1 million.
SEASON PREMIERE Life Unexpected, 9 p.m., CW Ryan and Cate are back from their honeymoon to find big changes at the radio station. Hey, "the honeymoon's over" isn't a cliche for nothing.
Fashion's Night Out 2010, 10 p.m., CBS A one-hour special celebrating fashion you can't afford, featuring people you don't know, like Vogue editor Anna Wintour. You can dream, though.
SEASON PREMIERE Parenthood, 10 p.m., NBC Adam has a hard time balancing work and family demands. Wait, why would you watch this show to escape your dreary life issues?
SERIES PREMIERE Sextuplets Take New York, 10 p.m., TLC A reality show aiming to split up another marriage now that the Gosselins went bye-bye.
SEASON FINALE Covert Affairs, 10 p.m., USA Annie has to work with former boyfriend Ben Mercer, who mysteriously vanished before he shows up one day at CIA HQ. Those agents really know what they're doing.
SEASON PREMIERE Survivor: Nicaragua, 8 p.m., CBS One tribe only has people older than 40, the other only has people younger than 30; once again, the thirtysomethings are squeezed out. Typical.
SEASON FINALE America's Got Talent, 8 p.m., NBC If Nick Cannon is the one saying you've got talent, does it really count?
SEASON FINALE Big Brother, 9 p.m., CBS For yet another season, we reward the most obnoxious person on TV with a cash prize.
SEASON FINALE Dark Blue, 9 p.m., TNT The first clue that a flower-importing business is actually running drugs: All the flowers are poppies.
SEASON FINALE Top Chef, 10 p.m., Bravo Despite hating the finalists because most of them had never tasted any Asian food, we're square just so long as Angelo doesn't win. Drama queen.
SEASON FINALE Chasing Mummies, 10 p.m., History The question remains: Are mummies really that difficult to catch?
SEASON FINALE The Real World, 10 p.m., MTV This crew will be leaving New Orleans better than they found it — mostly by not being in the city anymore.
SERIES PREMIERE Outlaw, 10 p.m., NBC Someone really wants Jimmy Smits to have his own show. The one set in Miami didn't work out, so now he's a do-gooder Supreme Court justice.
SERIES PREMIERE Top Chef: Just Desserts, 11 p.m., Bravo Gail Simmons annoys her way into hosting a spin-off that focuses on desserts, because no one on Top Chef likes making those. That should tell you something about Top Chef.
SEASON FINALE The Squad: Prison Police, 10 p.m., A&E A manhunt for an escaped felon escalates when the squad finds out he may be trying to get revenge on a former lover. If these guys were good prison police, we have to think he wouldn't have escaped in the first place.
SEASON PREMIERE It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, 10 p.m., FX This Fildelfya-style version of Seinfeld opens its sixth season by tackling gay marriage. Like a city with a New Year's Day tradition of drunken men prancing around city hall in drag would support that.
SEASON PREMIERE The League, 10:30 p.m., FX Andre wants the draft to be in Las Vegas this time. Yeah, like that's a real big sports town.
SERIES FINALE As the World Turns, 2 p.m., CBS After 54 years, the world stops turning. If only General Hospital could have resuscitated it.
SERIES PREMIERE Fish Hooks, 7:45 p.m., Disney A cartoon about three teenaged fish in a pet-store tank, lamenting the monotony of their life when they should be bemoaning the fact they still haven't gotten out of their tiny hometown.
SEASON PREMIERE Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 9 p.m., Cartoon If only George Lucas had let the makers of this cartoon run the ship for the prequels. Sigh.
SEASON PREMIERE Real Time With Bill Maher, 10 p.m., HBO Rumor has it, Bill is a tad unhappy with the state of things.
SEASON PREMIERE 20/20, 10 p.m., ABC Making you afraid of supermarket meat and airline maintenance since 1978.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org