On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE Dancing With the Stars, 8 p.m., ABC This season's victims include Ron Artest, Hope Solo, David Arquette, Elisabeth Canalis, Carson Kressley and Ricki Lake, but the real question on everyone's mind is just how well will Chaz Bono be at leading?
SEASON PREMIERE Hell's Kitchen, 8 p.m., Fox Four chefs, two hours, one prize. The ones allowed to get away from Gordon Ramsay are the real winners.
SEASON PREMIERE How I Met Your Mother, 8 p.m., CBS Will Barney really end up marrying Robin? She would indeed be a surprise bride.
SEASON PREMIERE The Sing-Off, 8 p.m., NBC Sara Bareilles joins Ben Folds and Boyz II Men alum Shawn Stockman as a judge this season, although we suspect the real reason is to meet Nick Lachey.
SEASON FINALE Eureka, 8 p.m., SyFy Carter wants Allison and Kevin to move in with him. Are they turning this show into a sitcom?
SEASON PREMIERE Two and a Half Men, 9 p.m., CBS Rumor has it there's some kind of shakeup on this show. We'll have to keep an ear out, because we haven't heard anything about it.
SERIES PREMIERE 2 Broke Girls, 9:30 p.m., CBS Two harried waitresses decide to open a bakery with the money from a trust fund. Move the bakery to Amsterdam and then you'll have an interesting concept.
SEASON PREMIERE Hawaii Five-0, 10 p.m., CBS Kono is suspended from the force when the desk sergeant starts to suspect she's a cylon.
The Comedy Central Roast, 10 p.m., Comedy Central Charlie Sheen doesn't need your stupid show, CBS. He's gonna get roasted by C-list comedians instead, so there!
SERIES PREMIERE The Playboy Club, 10 p.m., NBC This isn't nearly as lascivious as it sounds, following the lifestyle of the ladies of the new Playboy Club in the 1960s. You don't see uptight TV viewers not getting upset about it, though.
SEASON PREMIERE Castle, 10 p.m., ABC Did Beckett survive getting shot at the captain's funeral? More importantly, did Nathan Fillion buy the rights to make new episodes of Firefly. The answer to at least one of those questions is no.
SEASON PREMIERE NCIS, 8 p.m., CBS Tony asks Gibbs for help. More TV characters should be asking Mark Harmon for help, we think.
SERIES PREMIERE New Girl, 9 p.m., Fox Zooey Deschanel gets her own series, as a single woman who lives with three guys. So, this should be called Four's Company.
SEASON PREMIERE Raising Hope, 9:30 p.m., Fox Jimmy learns he was a musical prodigy until a golf putter accident at 13 ruined his chops. Oh c'mon, you'd remember something that happened when you were 13.
Tosh.0, 10 p.m., Comedy Central New episodes return, filthier than ever.
Big Hair Alaska, 10 p.m., TLC A two-part special about a hair salon in Wasilla, Alaska. Wonder where they got that idea.
SEASON PREMIERE Body of Proof, 10 p.m., ABC Rick Fox from Dancing With the Stars may have killed his neighbor. Was it Kirstie Alley?
SEASON PREMIERE Workaholics, 10:30 p.m., Comedy Central A second season of this show, as if being a professional telemarketer was funny.
SERIES PREMIERE The X Factor. 8 p.m., Fox A singing competition with Simon Cowell in which unknown artists compete for money. Why does this sound so familiar?
SEASON PREMIERE Modern Family, 9 p.m., ABC Lily is suddenly much older and can talk. Also: Phil is threatened by Jay's masculinity during a family vacation. So some things didn't change.
SEASON PREMIERE Criminal Minds, 9 p.m., CBS The Senate is investigating the BAU team after Emily Prentiss was lost. It's not like they did something serious, like use steroids to play baseball or something.
SEASON PREMIERE Harry's Law, 9 p.m., NBC Harriet's firm is expanding, so bring in the new cast members!
SEASON PREMIERE The Ultimate Fighter, 9 p..m, Spike Let's start the season with 16 elimination bouts, shall we?
SEASON PREMIERE CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, 10 p.m., CBS Laurence Fishburne suddenly looks a lot like Ted Danson; his character is using a different name, too. Weird.
SEASON PREMIERE Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, 10 p.m., NBC Chris Meloni is gone and Mariska Hargitay will be home a lot more with her kid, so this lone L&O holdout's days may be numbered.
SERIES PREMIERE Revenge, 10 p.m., ABC About time we got a new prime-time soap opera. With Madeline Stowe, no less.
SERIES PREMIERE Charlie's Angels, 8 p.m., ABC A remake of the 1970s hit, starring a couple unknowns and Derek Jeter's ex-girlfriend, set in Miami. Consider that this made it but Wonder Woman did not.
SEASON PREMIERE The Big Bang Theory, 8 p.m., CBS Penny's worried she may never reconnect with the geeks. It's okay, sweetheart, there's plenty more where those came from.
SEASON PREMIERE Community, 8 p.m., NBC Just when you thought the cast couldn't get any better, John Goodman arrives as the new dean.
SEASON PREMIERE Parks and Recreation, 8:30 p.m., NBC Leslie has to decide between Ben and running for office. Solution: Have Ben run for office.
SEASON PREMIERE Grey's Anatomy, 9 p.m., ABC Meredith and Derek are fighting, Christina is facing an emotional crisis she doesn't want to talk about, and Alex is a jerk. It's wonderful watching these characters grow and evolve over the years.
SERIES PREMIERE Person of Interest, 9 p.m., CBS A J.J. Abrams-produced drama that will make you very paranoid about all the surveillance cameras in our daily lives. Plus: The guy who played Jesus in The Passion of the Christ.
SERIES PREMIERE The Office, 9 p.m., NBC James Spader replaces Steve Carell. For at least one episode.
SERIES PREMIERE Whitney, 9:30 p.m., NBC A series about a young couple who refuse to get married, yet act like it anyway. Just sign the papers, already.
SEASON PREMIERE The Mentalist, 10 p.m., CBS Jane is in prison for killing a serial killer. Ah, justice.
SERIES PREMIERE Prime Suspect, 10 p.m., NBC Maria Bello stars as a female detective who replaces a department favorite and faces the old-boys network in full force. Cops must love shows like these.
SERIES PREMIERE Prison Diaries, 10 p.m., TLC Wow, female criminals are just a misguided and vicious as their male counterparts. Shocking.
SERIES PREMIERE A Gifted Man, 8 p.m., CBS Former local Patrick Wilson stars as a neurosurgeon who decides to clean up his act when his dead wife comes to visit him. Apparently she couldn't get through to him when she was alive.
SEASON PREMIERE Nikita, 8 p.m., CW Maggie Q is back to kick more ass, hopefully in more skintight dresses.
SEASON PREMIERE Kitchen Nightmares, 8 p.m., Fox Did Gordon ever stop to think that maybe some restaurants should fail?
SEASON PREMIERE CSI: NY, 9 p.m., CBS Oh, come on, the anniversary of Sept. 11 was last week. No fair talking about it again this week. You're picking at a very sore scab there.
SEASON PREMIERE Supernatural, 9 p.m., CW Castiel warns the others that you really shouldn't mess with God. Good advice.
SEASON PREMIERE Fringe, 9 p.m., Fox Seth Gabel shows up to fill in the empty slot in the cast that Joshua Jackson left behind. Although, it's entirely possible he's here for a different reason.
SEASON PREMIERE Dateline NBC, 9 p.m., NBC The show examines the story of Quinn Gray, the Florida millionaire who faked her kidnapping to extort her own husband. Of course.
SEASON PREMIERE Ghost Adventures, 9 p.m., Travel Find ghosts yet? No? Just checking.
SEASON PREMIERE Blue Bloods, 10 p.m., CBS Tony Bennett and Carrie Underwood guest star in hopeless pandering to this show's target demographic.
SERIES PREMIERE The Dead Files, 10 p.m., Travel A homicide detective and a psychic communicator investigate paranormal phenomena separately, then compare notes to make true believers wet their pants. Sounds like a good Friday night.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org