On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE Dancing With the Stars, 8 p.m., ABC Just keep The Situation from doing the Lambada with Bristol Palin and no one will get hurt.
SEASON PREMIERE House, 8 p.m., Fox So are House and Cuddy going to get together or what?
SEASON PREMIERE Chuck, 8 p.m., NBC When all else fails, get Dolph Lundgren as a guest star. It's an '80s resurgence, baby!
SEASON PREMIERE Rules of Engagement, 8:30 p.m., CBS Jeff and Audrey get surprising news about their surrogate, and it's not that Jaime Pressly is needed on the set of My Name Is Earl.
SEASON PREMIERE Two and a Half Men, 9 p.m., CBS Let's guess: Alan's love life is a shambles, Charlie has a drinking problem and Jake is unhappy with life. That should be close.
MINISERIES PREMIERE America's Best, 9 p.m., Food Alton Brown hosts four nights of showing us places we can't afford to travel to in order to try the food.
SERIES PREMIERE Lone Star, 9 p.m., Fox An oil family filled with scoundrels in a show set in Texas; stop us if you've heard this one before.
SERIES PREMIERE The Event, 9 p.m., NBC FlashForward waited too long to get the lead out for ABC and got canceled last season, so now the Peacock is trying this mystery/thriller/sci fi-ish conspiracy yarn.
SERIES PREMIERE Mike & Molly, 9:30 p.m., CBS Two fatties find love at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. The title Big Love already was taken.
SERIES PREMIERE Hawaii Five-0, 10 p.m., CBS Get ready to book 'em again, Danno.
SERIES PREMIERE Chase, 10 p.m., NBC Jerry Bruckheimer + fugitives + Kelli Giddish as a U.S. Marshal = win.
SEASON PREMIERE Castle, 10 p.m., ABC Nathan Fillion may have killed a woman. Was it Saffron from Firefly?
SEASON PREMIERE NCIS, 8 p.m., CBS Mark Harmon is still on the run from the cartel. And the show's about something, too.SEASON PREMIERE Glee, 8 p.m., Fox If this show were true to life, the glee club would have been cut from the budget about three years ago.
SEASON PREMIERE NCIS: Los Angeles, 9 p.m., CBS Chris O'Donnell and LL Cool J both prove competent enough actors to return.
SERIES PREMIERE Raising Hope, 9 p.m., Fox A slacker must raise an infant he fathered after a one-night stand, with the help of his parents. Cloris Leachman being the grandma keeps it from being entirely depressing.
SEASON FINALE Warehouse 13, 9 p.m., SyFy You don't want to end up like Warehouse 2, do you?
SERIES PREMIERE Running Wilde, 9:30 p.m., Fox An oil tycoon's son and a tree hugger who used to date in high school meet up again when the oil company wants to drill on a South American tribe's land. What kind of conflict could there be?
SERIES PREMIERE Detroit 1-8-7, 10 p.m., ABC Detroit has cops? Why? No one lives there anymore.
SEASON PREMIERE The Middle, 8 p.m., ABC Don't be a helicopter parent, Frankie.
SEASON PREMIERE Hell's Kitchen, 8 p.m., Fox One of the 16 contestants ends up in the ER in the very first episode. Gordon Ramsay's swearing must be getting filthier.SERIES PREMIERE Undercovers, 8 p.m., NBC Former CIA agents who became caterers are drawn back to the job after a friend goes missing. Check the walk-in cooler, guys.
SERIES PREMIERE Better With You, 8:30 p.m., ABC Three couples battle their way through different stages in their relationships: Infatuation, Boredom and Outright Hostility.
SEASON PREMIERE Modern Family, 9 p.m., ABC Of course the ratings are low — this show is actually good.
Top Chef, 9 p.m., Bravo Will someone please bust Alex for stealing that pea puree and give Tiffany some kind of award, already?
SEASON PREMIERE Criminal Minds, 9 p.m., CBS How many times do we have to tell you, Tim Curry is the killer! He's always the killer!
SEASON PREMIERE Cougar Town, 9:30 p.m., ABC Jennifer Aniston lands a role as Courteney Cox's shrink. We wouldn't take career advice from her, CC.
SERIES PREMIERE The Whole Truth, 10 p.m., ABC A crime procedural? Glad someone thought of doing that one!
SERIES PREMIERE The Defenders, 10 p.m., CBS Jim Belushi and Jerry O'Connell star in this series; the title must refer to the defense of why they keep finding work.
SERIES PREMIERE My Generation, 8 p.m., ABC A mockumentary series about the members of a 2000 high school class, 10 years afterward. Just check Facebook, y'all.
SEASON PREMIERE The Big Bang Theory, 8 p.m., CBS Sheldon finally gets a date, and it's with Mayim Bialik. That's definitely a geek's dream come true.
SEASON PREMIERE Bones, 8 p.m., Fox The team is back together after trying solo projects. Brennan's time with Jack White was especially fruitful, we hear.
SEASON PREMIERE Community, 8 p.m., NBC Desperate for a ratings bump, this solid but low-rated sitcom brings in Betty White. Check and mate.
SEASON PREMIERE 30 Rock, 8:30 p.m., NBC The only way Liz will stay with Carol is if Matt Damon joins the cast full-time, so you can see how we can't get our hopes up.
SERIES PREMIERE $..! My Dad Says, 8:30 p.m., CBS The first show based on a Twitter feed and starring William Shatner, we are just waiting to see how they pronounce the title in commercials.
SEASON PREMIERE Grey's Anatomy, 9 p.m., ABC A counselor comes to Seattle Grace to see how everyone is dealing with last season's shooting spree, and to get opinions on the Seattle P.D. SWAT team, which is apparently the worst in tin the nation.
SEASON PREMIERE CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, 9 p.m., CBS Sure, Langston's been stabbed, but OMG IT'S JUSTIN BIEBER!!!1!!11!
SEASON PREMIERE The Office, 9 p.m., NBC Savor every moment with Steve Carell, because after this season, this show is doomed.
SERIES PREMIERE Outsourced, 9:30 p.m., NBC Yeah, it's hilarious to see a show in which the only jobs available to Americans are selling fake puke and foam fingers. Next on NBC: Creepy Larry — The Friendly Neighborhood Rapist and Y Shud i Lurn 2 Reed?.SEASON PREMIERE The Mentalist, 10 p.m., CBS A state-house lobbyist is kidnapped. So?
SEASON FINALE BBQ Pitmasters, 10 p.m., TLC The final five have to cook a whole pig in a cinderblock pit. There's a guy over on 22nd who does that every weekend, and he doesn't get $100,000.
SEASON PREMIERE Private Practice, 10 p.m., ABC Will Amy Brenneman ever be able to get married in any show she's in?
SEASON PREMIERE Medium, 8 p.m., CBS Allison and Bridgette swap personalities, which isn't so unusual for mothers and daughters, except it usually takes about 40 years.
SEASON PREMIERE Smallville, 8 p.m., CW Lois saves Clark from the blue kryptonite, but not from the end of this series, which begins its final season. SEASON PREMIERE Dateline NBC, 8 p.m., NBC Dateline NBC: Outdoing 20/20 since 1992.
SEASON PREMIERE CSI: NY, 9 p.m., CBS Sela Ward joins the cast and immediately finds a body in the crime lab building. Coincidence? We think not SEASON PREMIERE Supernatural, 9 p.m., CW Sam escapes his cage in hell. It really is Friday!
SERIES PREMIERE Meat and Potatoes, 10 p.m., Food An anti-vegan rant for people who love dead animal flesh.
SERIES PREMIERE Blue Bloods, 10 p.m., CBS Why did it take this long for Tom Selleck and Donnie Wahlberg to get their own cop show? This sounds like gold!
— Joshua Gillin email@example.com