SEASON PREMIERE Dancing With the Stars, 8 p.m., ABC Can we just kick off Tom DeLay now and get it over with, or do we have to wait for the results show?
SEASON PREMIERE Heroes, 8 p.m., NBC A carnival clan's leader shows up to give this a tinge of Joker-style silliness.
SEASON PREMIERE House, 8 p.m., Fox The doctor is in ... the loony bin.
SEASON PREMIERE How I Met Your Mother, 8 p.m., CBS Somehow, Barney being in a relationship takes some of the fun out of the show.
SEASON PREMIERE Accidentally on Purpose, 8:30 p.m., CBS Surprise! Jenna Elfman is pregnant in real life, too.
SEASON PREMIERE Two and a Half Men, 9 p.m., CBS Charlie has to pick between Chelsea and Mia, but he should just pick Alan already.
SEASON PREMIERE Big Bang Theory, 9:30 p.m., CBS The storyline goes from the Arctic to Texas. What is this, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Nerds?
SEASON PREMIERE CSI: Miami, 10 p.m., CBS Horatio reminisces about how the CSI team was formed. A flashback episode already?
SEASON PREMIERE Castle, 10 p.m., ABC Castle was supposed to stay away from the death of his partner's mom, but that wouldn't make him a very good detective.
TUESDAY
SEASON PREMIERE NCIS, 8 p.m., CBS Gibbs and the gang have to replace Ziva. They shouldn't mention to the candidates why.
SERIES PREMIERE NCIS: Los Angeles, 9 p.m., CBS Chris O'Donnell finds some work on yet another spinoff. And look, LL Cool J!
SERIES PREMIERE The Good Wife, 10 p.m., CBS Julianna Marguiles stars as the wife of a politician jailed for a sex scandal. There's been lots of research material lately.
SERIES PREMIERE The Forgotten, 10 p.m., ABC Christian Slater keeps trying to get on TV. Take a hint, Slates — you're no Chris O'Donnell.
WEDNESDAY
SEASON PREMIERE The New Adventures of Old Christine, 8 p.m., CBS Apparently the Seinfeld reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm isn't keeping Julia Louis-Dreyfus off this show, which starts a fifth season with a hunt for an illegal visa. Apparently we can joke about that again.
SEASON PREMIERE Gary Unmarried, 8:30 p.m., CBS Gary wants to set an example for his son by trying to become a radio broadcaster. Because only idiots want to work at newspapers.
SERIES PREMIERE Mercy, 8 p.m., NBC Another. Hospital. Show. We bet there's dreamy doctors and sassy nurses.
SEASON PREMIERE Law & Order: SVU, 9 p.m., NBC A new assistant DA and a new cop show up, plus lots of rape cases. Welcome back!
SERIES PREMIERE The Modern Family, 9 p.m., ABC A documentary-style sitcom that looks at three different branches of a family tree that red-staters probably won't like the sound of.
SERIES PREMIERE Cougar Town, 9:30 p.m., ABC Courteney Cox couldn't make a gossip mag work in Dirt, sure, but why would she agree to be in a show with this title?
SERIES PREMIERE Eastwick, 10 p.m., ABC As if Cougar Town wasn't enough about middle-aged, oversexed women, now there's a coven of them. But: No Jack Nicholson.
SEASON PREMIERE CSI: NY, 10 p.m., CBS We love it when an episode involves machine-gun fire. Now we have to sit through the minutiae of finding the shooter.
THURSDAY
SERIES PREMIERE FlashForward, 8 p.m., ABC It's like Lost, if everyone on Earth was on Oceanic 815 and then came back home right away and had to think about it.
SEASON PREMIERE Grey's Anatomy, 9 p.m., ABC George's mom has to decide what to do with his organs. Apparently, there still are some left to donate after being dragged by that bus.
SEASON PREMIERE CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, 9 p.m., CBS Jorja Fox is back. Quit writing to us about wishing she was back.
SEASON PREMIERE The Mentalist, 10 p.m., CBS The murder of Jane's wife and child is assigned to someone else, probably the smartest thing we've seen on the show yet.
FRIDAY
SEASON PREMIERE Ghost Whisperer, 8 p.m., CBS Melinda's baby apparently can see ghosts, too. Call Bruce Willis!
SEASON PREMIERE Medium, 9 p.m., CBS Patricia Arquette's brain surgery apparently has some side effects, like helping the show make sense.
SEASON PREMIERE Numb3rs, 10 p.m., CBS A sniper wants to kill a political activist. Hey, he's just exercising his right to bear arms.
SEASON PREMIERE Law & Order, 8 p.m., NBC Wow, 20 seasons. Isn't it about time Hawkeye got on the chopper home?
SERIES PREMIERE Brothers, 8 p.m., Fox Michael Strahan is an ex NFLer who moves back to his hometown, which is populated with CCH Pounder and Carl Weathers.
SEASON PREMIERE Smallville, 8 p.m., CW Brian Austin Green lands on his feet after Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles was canceled. At least he wants to work at a newspaper.
SEASON PREMIERE Dollhouse, 9 p.m., Fox Joss Whedon has proved Buffy was no fluke by getting a second season for one of his shows.
SERIES PREMIERE Rescue Ink Unleashed, 10 p.m., NatGeo Eight tattooed tough guys head out to rescue animals, because they wouldn't look out of place in a dog-fighting ring.
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