On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE How I Met Your Mother, 8 p.m., CBS Well, we saw her in the show's title at the end of last season. How long until she actually becomes a character on the show?
SEASON PREMIERE The Voice, 8 p.m., NBC Cee Lo and Xtina are back for Season 5, but poor Adam and Blake are still sitting in the same, lonely chairs.
SEASON PREMIERE 2 Broke Girls, 9 p.m., CBS As proof of how contradictory this show can be, the plot tonight revolves around the cupcake business being too busy.
SERIES PREMIERE Genealogy Roadshow, 9 p.m., PBS (check local listings) Researchers go to cities to interact with people desperate to know if they have a famous ancestor they can name-drop during cocktail parties and tailgates.
SERIES PREMIERE Mom, 9:30 p.m., CBS Anna Faris stars as a single mom sobering up, making for scads of obviously hilarious jokes about addiction and parental angst.
SERIES PREMIERE Hostages, 10 p.m., CBS Toni Collette is a surgeon who is being coerced into killing the president during an operation the White House will be able to put off until only about midseason.
SEASON PREMIERE Castle, 10 p.m., ABC Beckett has to decide between marrying Castle or taking a job in D.C. Well, what kind of housing allowance does she get?
SERIES PREMIERE The Blacklist, 10 p.m., NBC A fugitive agrees to help the FBI catch a terrorist as long as he can work with Megan Boone, because he's a big fan of Step Up Revolution.
SERIES PREMIERE Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., 8 p.m., ABC Disney and Marvel have to keep the pots simmering until the next Avengers movie comes out, so Phil Coulson is resurrected to lead a crew of crime fighters.
SEASON PREMIERE NCIS, 8 p.m., CBS There's an explosion at a black-tie party in Washington, and it's not just from all that hot air.
SEASON PREMIERE NCIS: Los Angeles, 9 p.m., CBS Torture and nuclear weapons factor heavily into this episode. This show's plotlines are so far-fetched!
SERIES PREMIERE The Goldbergs, 9 p.m., ABC A sort of Wonder Years for kids who grew up in the 1980s. Being target consumers has its privileges, like TV shows about you.
SERIES PREMIERE Trophy Wife, 9:30 p.m., ABC Malin Akerman plays a third wife to some guy with three kids, so this is like Modern Family from Gloria's point of view.
SERIES PREMIERE Lucky 7, 10 p.m., ABC A drama about seven schlubs who work at a gas station and win the lottery, then suffer the consequences of being rich. What a problem to have.
SEASON PREMIERE Person of Interest, 10 p.m., CBS Wouldn't you know, the Machine finally points you to a Navy officer you can learn from, and it's Fleet Week.
SEASON FINALE Double Divas, 10 p.m., Lifetime A restaurant's waitresses are wearing corsets too small for their bodies. That was probably a management decision.
SERIES PREMIERE Fangasm, 10 p.m., Syfy Seven geeks live in a house together to vie for a job working for Stan Lee. The only way it could get better is if Elvira was on the show. NO WAY!
SEASON PREMIERE The Middle, 8 p.m., ABC Axl's whole family wants to drop him off at college, and the whole family proceeds to embarrass/humiliate/annoy him. That's why you gotta stay in school, kid.
SEASON PREMIERE Revolution, 8 p.m., NBC Rachel meets someone from her past in Texas. No sudden movements, because they had itchy trigger fingers even before the blackout.
SERIES PREMIERE Back in the Game, 8:30 p.m., ABC A single mom who doesn't like sports bites the bullet and coaches her son's very bad baseball team. It doesn't sound like she'd be very interested in improving their skills.
SEASON PREMIERE Modern Family, 9 p.m., ABC Manny is headed to Colombia, recalling Jay's wonderful line about how when he and the boy met, the kid was eating cereal out of a bucket.
SEASON PREMIERE Criminal Minds, 9 p.m., CBS Hotchner is up for a promotion while the team chases a killer through Arizona. No pressure.
SEASON FINALE Capture, 9 p.m., CW There's time for one more hunt before somebody wins $250,000. And a shower.
SEASON PREMIERE Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, 9 p.m., NBC Benson is still missing. Mariska Hargitay has sure saved up a lot of vacation days.
SEASON PREMIERE Nashville, 10 p.m., ABC Rayna's in a coma and Peggy's pregnant. Just be glad you're not Deacon, waiting to find out about his jail sentence.
SEASON FINALE Top Chef Masters, 10 p.m., Bravo One of the chefs wins the title, only to be forgotten by you within six months.
SEASON PREMIERE CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, 10 p.m., CBS The crew attempts to rescue Ellie before the killer who abducted her turns her into a modern art project.
SEASON PREMIERE South Park, 10 p.m., Comedy Central For the big Season 17 gimmick, the animated show will be broadcast live from now on.
SEASON PREMIERE The Big Bang Theory, 8 p.m., CBS Sheldon and Penny get a little cozier than Leonard would like, marking this as the official point in which the show gets too serious for its fan base's liking.
SEASON PREMIERE Parks and Recreation, 8 p.m., NBC Everyone goes to London, but we already know Rashida Jones and Rob Lowe are leaving at midseason, so let the mourning of Ann and Chris begin now.
SEASON PREMIERE Grey's Anatomy, 9 p.m., ABC Somewhere along the way, Shonda Rhimes decided Seattle routinely gets Superstorm Sandy-like weather conditions. Earthquakes and volcanoes, sure. Even some windstorms. But hurricanes? No.
SERIES PREMIERE The Crazy Ones, 9 p.m., CBS Robin Williams is back on TV, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer is his daughter. We can see it.
SERIES PREMIERE The Michael J. Fox Show, 9 p.m., NBC A TV personality gets Parkinson's and decides to quit, then drives his family so crazy he goes back to work. There's plenty of Michael J. Fox's life story tied up in this one.
SEASON PREMIERE Two and a Half Men, 9:30 p.m., CBS Amber Tamblyn replaces the half a man, who badmouthed the show before running off to college. Somehow it's not shocking Charlie Harper would have illegitimate children.
SEASON PREMIERE Elementary, 10 p.m., CBS Sherlock has a brother in England, and he looks an awful lot like the Lizard from The Amazing Spider-Man.
SEASON PREMIERE Parenthood, 10 p.m., NBC Crosby and Jasmine's baby unites the family. For lunch, at least.
SEASON FINALE Supermarket Superstar, 10:30 p.m., Lifetime Three winning cooks return to compete for $10,000 and a recipe in supermarkets, forever winning over people who cruise Publix on Saturdays just to get the free samples.
SEASON PREMIERE Undercover Boss, 8 p.m., CBS One of the co-founders of Twin Peaks, a Hooters-like sports bar chain, goes undercover to survey the, uh, landscape.
SEASON FINALE Perfect Score, 8 p.m., CW Two guys who like watersports go looking for eligible women. No, not the R. Kelly kind of watersports, you weirdo.
SERIES PREMIERE MasterChef Junior, 8 p.m., Fox Whoever thought it'd be great to subject 8- to 13-year-olds to the profane jabberings of Gordon Ramsay either got fired or was promoted to president of Fox.
SEASON PREMIERE Hawaii Five-0, 9 p.m., CBS Shooters take over HQ, but Capt. Lou Grover (last seen in the original series) shows up, so everything is cool.
SEASON PREMIERE Blue Bloods, 10 p.m., CBS An alleged cop killer has the charges dropped due to lack of evidence. Tom Selleck needs to have a vendetta against somebody.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org