On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE Dancing With the Stars: All-Stars, 8 p.m., ABC Kelly Monaco, Shawn Johnson, Helio Castroneves, Drew Lachey, Pamela Anderson, Kirstie Alley, Bristol Palin and Gilles Marini are all back to compete again, but it's Maksim Chmerkovskiy's announced departure after this season that's making the news. Well, The Juice*, at least. See Page 45 for more.
SEASON PREMIERE How I Met Your Mother, 8 p.m., CBS Barney married Robin, Marshall and Lily had a kid and Victoria ran after Ted. Top that, new season.
SERIES PREMIERE Partners, 8:30 p.m., CBS It's like Will & Grace, except this time they're both guys. From the creators of, yes, Will & Grace. Let's see if we'll be rooting for the straight guy or the gay guy to switch this time around.
SEASON FINALE The L.A. Complex, 9 p.m., CW We love that this show uses the term "Scienetics" in the premise this week. Good luck, Connor.
SEASON PREMIERE Castle, 10 p.m., ABC So what happens now that Beckett and Castle kissed? Not awkward at all, surely.
SEASON PREMIERE NCIS, 8 p.m., CBS Gibbs and the team go looking for the bomber from last season. He's had a four-month head start!
SEASON PREMIERE New Girl, 8 p.m., Fox Look, gang: Zooey Deschanel didn't do enough indie movies during the break to quit on this show. Gee, that's too bad.
SERIES PREMIERE Ben and Kate, 8:30 p.m., Fox A single mother and a layabout are best friends with lives going in completely opposite directions, so of course following the lives of two emotional cripples is fodder for a Fox sitcom.
SERIES PREMIERE The Mindy Project, 9:30 p.m., Fox A woman realizes real-life isn't like what she saw on movies. Have you watched that show Ben & Kate yet?
SEASON PREMIERE Private Practice, 10 p.m., ABC This is Kate Walsh's last season, so we have about a dozen episodes to determine whether this show will end or not.
SERIES PREMIERE Vegas, 10 p.m., CBS Dennis Quaid gives the Las Vegas origin story show a shot. They do this about once every few years. How successful is it? Well, they're doing another one, if that tells you anything.
SERIES PREMIERE Brickleberry, 10:30 p.m., Comedy Central Daniel Tosh's new show, about rangers in a national park that may be closed, is so vulgar, we hear he had to redo the pilot because it was too full of rape jokes. We would give it four episodes until cancellation, but this is Comedy Central, so maybe eight.
SEASON PREMIERE The Middle, 8 p.m., ABC Mike accidentally reveals who his favorite kid is. That's only a problem if it's a kid not in your family.
SERIES PREMIERE Animal Practice, 8 p.m., NBC We were subjected to a sneak preview after the Olympics, but now you can watch as many episodes as you can stomach until this one crashes and burns.
SEASON PREMIERE Modern Family, 9 p.m., ABC Gloria's pregnant and Mitch and Cam don't have a second baby. Are all of you thinking what we're thinking? That's right, time for some tabloid-worthy baby sharing.
SEASON PREMIERE Criminal Minds, 9 p.m., CBS A killer sews his victims' mouths shut. Did anyone check to see if he was married to any of them? (Jokes, sweetheart; these are just jokes.)
SEASON PREMIERE Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, 9 p.m., NBC So did Capt. Cragen kill somebody or not? Paget Brewster is coming to the rescue!
SERIES PREMIERE The Neighbors, 9:30 p.m., ABC It's like 3rd Rock From the Sun, except the family this show focuses on are the only humans in a subdivision full of aliens. But the property values are high and everyone mows their lawns, so eh, it's worth the trouble.
SEASON FINALE Top Chef Masters, 10 p.m., Bravo Another season of not being able to pronounce quinoa and wondering what roasted kale tastes like comes to a close. Oh, and someone wins.
SEASON PREMIERE CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, 10 p.m., CBS Peri Gilpin from Frasier plays Ted Danson's wife in this season opener. Norm and Cliffie are sure to stop by soon.
SERIES PREMIERE Last Resort, 8 p.m., ABC A nuclear submarine refuses to bomb Pakistan without confirmed orders, except that sub crews are supposed to follow last-known orders to completion. It's like they made the movie Crimson Tide a series, but without Denzel Washington and Gene Hackman.
SEASON PREMIERE The Big Bang Theory, 8 p.m., CBS We have yet to understand how all these girls put up with the nerdy tics all these guys have. Well, Howard's in space, so he's got those points, but still …
SEASON PREMIERE Grey's Anatomy, 9 p.m., ABC After killing the one person we still liked on this show, we're also going to lose Eric Dane, too. Good thing all the doctors sit around complaining about their own problems instead of listening to each other.
SERIES PREMIERE Elementary, 10 p.m., CBS Sherlock Holmes is a drug addict in New York and Watson is an Asian-American woman. That's actually an inventive spin on this one.
SEASON PREMIERE Scandal, 10 p.m., ABC You know we'll be watching, what with a dead reporter being a major plot point and all.
SERIES PREMIERE Paranormal Paparazzi, 7 p.m., Travel A blogger sends people around the U.S. to report on strange happenings. It would be a lot cheaper to just watch Syfy shows and write about them.
SERIES PREMIERE Made in Jersey, 9 p.m., CBS When you want to set a lawyer show in Jersey, it's only natural to get a British actress to play the lead. Americans can't do American accents anymore.
SERIES PREMIERE Bering Sea Gold: Under the Ice, 9 p.m., Discovery If you thought the gold-seekers during the summer were bad, imagine the nut jobs who do it during the winter.
SEASON PREMIERE Fringe, 9 p.m., Fox One last season of this show starts tonight. If you haven't been paying attention, there's no way to catch you up.
SEASON PREMIERE Blue Bloods, 10 p.m., CBS Michael Madsen plays a guy getting revenge on Danny by kidnapping Jackie. If he wants her to disappear, he should put her in the same place he put his acting career.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org