On TV tonight
Whale Wars, 8 p.m., Animal Planet Pete Bethune wants to poison a dead whale's meat by injecting it with a 10-foot hypodermic needle. Jeez, why don't you just aim it at the whaling vessels?
SERIES PREMIERE Dual Survival, 10 p.m., Discovery A couple of survival experts try to re-enact true-life scenarios where hikers and campers were stranded and had to survive with only the stuff they brought with them. If they were real hikers and campers, they would have a first-aid kit, MREs, space blankets, a satellite phone, a .22 rifle, a fishing kit, tinder for a fire, waterproof matches, a compass, a Ka-Bar, some rope and a GPS. Surviving's pretty easy then.
SEASON FINALE Flashpoint, 10 p.m., CBS Death threats from white supremacists always are the best way to end a season.
MINISERIES PREMIERE Kids in the Hall: Death Comes to Town, 10 p.m., IFC Hmmm … the gang seems to be much thinner on top and much thicker in the middle. Hopefully their sense of humor has aged well.
Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?, 9 p.m., Style Survivor: Fiji winner Earl Cole tries to keep his fiancee from getting the dream Hawaii wedding she's always wanted. We're sure she would much prefer the show's original grand prize, a Pontiac Aztek.
SEASON FINALE Last Chance Highway, 9 p.m., Travel A litter of puppies Shelly wants to put up for adoption must recover from a skin disease first. That's quite an advertising tie-in with Oil of Olay they wrangled.
Whitney Cummings: Money Shot, 11:30 p.m., Comedy Central Word is that this comedian with the porn-star name made Pamela Anderson cry during David Hasselhoff's recent roast, but producers cut it out, saying it wasn't funny. Word also is that the audience begs to differ.
Drop Dead Diva, 9 p.m., Lifetime Guest stars include 7th Heaven's Barry Watson and The Bachelor's Jake Pavelka. Wait 'til Earl Cole hears what he did.
SEASON FINALE My Fair Wedding, 10 p.m., WEtv Some lady wants to have a wedding in which she's a Greek goddess. If that doesn't work out, there's always Hawaii.
SEASON PREMIERE Keeping Up With the Kardashians, 10 p.m., E! In a desperate bid to overexpose and ruin the entire family, Ryan Seacrest trots out youngest siblings Kendall and Kylie. Great, teenagers are just what this show needed.
SEASON PREMIERE Children's Hospital, 10:30 p.m., Cartoon This send-up of hospital shows by Rob Corddry has all the lame drama and one-liners of a Grey's Anatomy, but in an economical 12 minutes. Private Practice should look into that model.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org