On TV this weekend
My Child Is a Monkey, 9 p.m., NatGeo A special devoted to the weirdos who adopt pet monkeys and proceed to treat them like children, putting them in diapers and pushing them around in strollers. Isn't this show supposed to be on after Animal Planet's Animal Hoarders?
Eureka, 9 p.m., SyFy It's a Eureka/Warehouse 13 crossover episode, which is twice as nice for all the nerds who are sitting at home watching SyFy on a Friday night. (You are excluded from this if you're recording it on DVR because you have binge drinking to do, however.)
The Pillars of the Earth, 10 p.m., Starz Speaking of binge drinking, Maud isn't too happy to find out that Philip is the guy who betrayed Earl Bartholomew. Fetch the mead, knave!
Celebrity Ghost Stories, 9 p.m., Bio When your show features Paulina Porizkova, Chazz Palminteri, Michael Urie and Karina Smirnoff, it's entirely possible you'll have to remove the term "celebrity" from your title.
Croc Attack, 9 p.m., Discovery A special examining the recent increase in croc attacks in Australia and why they're happening. Could it be because Crocodile Dundee has mysteriously been on basic cable a lot lately?
Sunday Night Football, 8 p.m., NBC That's right, football widows: All your husbands who are too impatient to watch baseball's pennant races heating up will drool over the first of dozens of pointless preseason contests, this one featuring the Cincinnati Bengals and the Dallas Cowboys. The good news is, even the mouth-breathers who care about preseason football will get bored after the first two series.
SEASON PREMIERE Hoarding: Buried Alive, 9 p.m., TLC What is it with the fascination with this mental disorder? As if a culture based on buying useless crap nonstop would produce anything different. There, we just saved you hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars in therapy trying to figure out what's behind the problem.
Baby Beauty Queens, 10 p.m., BBC America It's so nice to see that the Brits have the same problems with weirdo parents treating their children like cult objects that we do here in America. We theorize it's possibly related to the hoarding phenomenon.
— Joshua Gillin email@example.com