On TV this weekend
SEASON FINALE Surviving Suburbia, 7 p.m., ABC We'll have to check the ratings to see if this show actually did.
SEASON FINALE The Goode Family, 8:30 p.m., ABC We'll have to check the ratings to see if this show actually was.
SEASON PREMIERE Monk, 9 p.m., USA The eighth and final season opens with Elizabeth Perkins acting as the grown-up version of Monk's favorite child star. Hopefully she doesn't meet the same fate as Michael Jackson. What, too soon?
SEASON PREMIERE Psych, 10 p.m., USA Here's a novel concept: Because the show is shot in British Columbia, they actually have a show set in British Columbia. That must mean they're moving the set to Southern California.
SERIES PREMIERE Chefs vs. City, 10 p.m., Food It's like Top Chef, but this time the contestants take on restaurants across the entire city of New York. Like a culinary version of The Warriors.
SEASON PREMIERE Split Ends, 9 p.m., Style Five long seasons of people from L.A. not understanding why the rest of the country doesn't appreciate them.
SERIES FINALE Dirty Sexy Money, 10 p.m., ABC You weren't watching it before, so why do you care now?
George Lopez: Tall, Dark & Chicano, 10 p.m., HBO The comedian goes 90 minutes in his second HBO special. Can we expect two hours next time?
SERIES PREMIERE Shark Tank, 9 p.m., ABC Entrepreneurs have to sell their ideas to a board of business-backers for funding. It's like The Apprentice, except it actually shows what going into business would be like.
SERIES PREMIERE There Goes the Neighborhood, 9 p.m., CBS Eight households from Georgia are sealed off from the world by a 20-foot wall, with no TV or cell phones or Internet, in order to win $250,000. We fully expect them to be found dead in a few weeks.
SEASON PREMIERE Randy Jackson Presents America's Best Dance Crew, 9 p.m., MTV Hey, something had to replace So You Think You Can Dance?
The Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers, 10 p.m., Comedy Central We've seen so many commercials for this, we don't think we even need to bother watching it, except we want to see if Joan's face moves at all.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org