On TV this weekend
Disney Prep & Landing, 8 p.m., ABC Wayne the Elf wants a promotion, but has to train an annoying new assistant instead. So much for a holiday special that helps us escape the monotony of office life.
A Christmas Story, 8 p.m., TBS A red-blooded American youth is denied his Second Amendment rights by the authorities, so he daydreams about shooting criminals and develops a nasty swearing habit before finally mutilating himself, then realizing multiculturalism is here to stay. He is forced to relive it again and again over the next 24 hours.
Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation, 8:30 p.m., ABC The boys have to save the day when Dr. Doofenshmirtz covers the town in a cloud of naughtiness. Where do they live, D.C.?
Doctor Who Christmas Special, 9 p.m., BBC America The doc has to save Amy and Rory from a spaceship that's going to crash by touching the heart of an old miser. And we all know Christmas is the day for conning old, angry people into doing the right thing.
Saturday Night Live, 11:30 p.m., NBC There's nothing else new on tonight, so we hope you're watching your new copy of the 17-hour version of Avatar on your new TV or something. Otherwise it's Emma Stone and Kings of Leon again.
Brian Boitano Skating Spectacular, 4 p.m., NBC Brian Boitano celebrates the season by skating to songs performed by Heart. Your spinster aunt will love it.
Gene Simmons Family Jewels, 9 p.m., A&E Shannon makes Gene jealous by touring Madrid with a hot young tour guide. Hey, Shannon, he's only doing that to get a better tip.
Ax Men, 9 p.m., History One of the guys goes missing in the Alaskan wilderness. Maybe you should check with Sarah Palin: Her show tonight is about her chopping down trees, too.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org