On TV this weekend
Kitchen Nightmares, 8 p.m., Fox Gordon Ramsay has to help a Baltimore restaurant with an image problem, because the owner trademarked the term "hon." For those who've never been to Charm City, that'd be like someone in Pittsburgh trademarking "yunz," or an Atlantan trademarking "y'all." People might be unhappy about that.
Shark Tank, 8 p.m., ABC Some guy pitches a watch that provides health benefits. Does it dispense heart medication or something?
SEASON FINALE Gold Rush, 9 p.m., Discovery The Big Nugget mine needs to hit a vein if it's going to stay open. Well, yeah, that's usually how mines work, we hear.
Spartacus: Vengeance, 10 p.m., Starz Spartacus wants to free Crixus, but a gladiator is in the way. This should not be a problem.
NBA All-Star Saturday Night, 8:30 p.m., TNT The slam-dunk contest is the highlight of all-star Saturday night, because the game sure isn't going to be any good, with or without Jeremy Lin being added.
SEASON PREMIERE Being Human, 9 p.m., BBC America The trio take care of a baby, which will make the "monsters in the closet" talk very difficult.
Witchslayer Gretl, 9 p.m., SyFy Hansel heads back to the forest to whoop that witch's butt, then finds out sister Shannen Doherty is working for her. Surprised? No.
The Independent Spirit Awards, 10 p.m., IFC It's the annual awards for indie movies, or as they're called around Hollywood, the "fun Oscars."
Countdown to the Red Carpet, 1:30 p.m., E! This is a four-hour preview to the two-hour preview to what is obviously E!'s Super Bowl.
NBA All-Star Game, 7:30 p.m., TNT Wait a minute, all-star weekend? Didn't the season just start a couple weeks ago?
The 84th Academy Awards, 8:30 p.m., ABC And speaking of the Super Bowl, this one is a rematch this year, too, with Billy Crystal hosting for the first time in something like 10 years. At least the focus here isn't on the commercials.
— Joshua Gillin email@example.com