On TV this weekend
SERIES PREMIERE Thundercats, 8 p.m., Cartoon In a "re-imagining" of the 1980s half-hour toy commercials, Mumm-Ra threatens Lion-O and his anthropomorphic homeboys on Third Earth. Mind you, re-imagining is the current buzzword for: "We can't come up with anything new, so let's trade on the nostalgia for slick but awful cartoons from the past."
Whale Wars, 9 p.m., Animal Planet As much as we don't support whaling, we can't help but wonder how filming yourself disabling commercial ships, even if they kill whales, is much different from piracy. Explain it to us, activists.
Paranormal Challenge, 9 p.m., Travel The two teams compete to find ghostly activity in a West Virginia lunatic asylum. How appropriate.
SEASON FINALE Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids, 10 p.m., TLC Just once, say no.
SERIES PREMIERE The Three Chocolatiers, 11 p.m., Food A new show about three women who run a Beverly Hills chocolate shop that's airing at 11 p.m. Fridays says worlds about the target market. It makes us cry a little bit.
SERIES PREMIERE Iron Man, 11 p.m., G4 Oh, look: It's a cartoon about that douchey superhero from Marvel Comics. In case you didn't get enough of him from his movies.
SERIES PREMIERE Wolverine, 11:30 p.m., G4 Oh, look: It's a cartoon about that taciturn superhero from Marvel Comics. In case you didn't get enough of him from his movies.
Age of the Dragons, 9 p.m., SyFy Danny Glover hunts a white dragon in this rip-off of Moby Dick. Oh, why the dragon got to be white?!?
SEASON FINALE Carson Nation, 10 p.m., OWN Kressley heads to Roswell, N.M., probably to give guyliner tips to those bug-eyed aliens.
SERIES RETURN 120 Minutes With Matt Pinfield, 1 a.m., MTV2 First Thundercats, now 120 Minutes. This has to be on MTV2 because the '90s resurgence is being led by Beavis & Butt-head on MTV.
The Lady with 700 Cats, 10 p.m., NatGeo Mom, is that you?
SERIES PREMIERE Friday Night Dinner, 11:30 p.m., BBC America A sitcom, but funnier because of the accents. That's how it works, right?
Great White Invasion, 9 p.m., Discovery Shark Week begins by scaring you with the news that great whites are swimming closer to shores. Forget that, did you read about the one that jumped into the boat?
SEASON PREMIERE American Ninja Warrior, 9 p.m., G4 More gaijin attempt to win the Saisuke challenge. Like Iron Chef America, this one didn't need to be ported to be entertaining.
The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All, 9 p.m., ABC As if we can't just see what's going on.
SERIES PREMIERE Against the Wall, 10 p.m., Lifetime A female cop tries to make a name for herself to impress her policeman dad, who is played by Treat Williams. So you know it's good.
SEASON FINALE The Real L Word, 10 p.m., Showtime Wrestling in chocolate certainly sends the message this series is aiming for, doesn't it?
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org