On TV this weekend
Wife Swap, 8 p.m., ABC One mom (from Florida, natch) spends all her time hunting for a mythical swamp creature while another ignores four of her kids so she can turn one 9-year-old into a hip-hop star. Boy, those two don't seem to match up at all.
Eureka, 9 p.m., SyFy Colin Ferguson directs himself in this episode, probably in an attempt to have the series make some sense.
SERIES PREMIERE Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, 9:30 p.m., TLC It's like the original show, but with more spittoons and Coke. Wait, this is Atlanta, so more Northerners in BMWs complaining about the heat.
The Pillars of the Earth, 10 p.m., Starz Prior Philip and William fight over a business opportunity (access to a quarry) while Richard needs money to get a new job title (as a knight). Things really haven't changed much since the 12th century, have they?
SEASON FINALE COPS: Coast to Coast, 8 p.m., Fox The 22nd season comes to a close, and like your own 22nd birthday, it ends up being a lot less fun than your 21st.
Jack Hunter and the Lost Treasure of Ugarit, 9 p.m., SyFy A cut-rate Indiana Jones flick about a Syrian artifact with magical powers. It's still better than nuking the fridge.
SERIES PREMIERE Goin' Country, 9 a.m., Versus American Idol wannabe Kristy Lee Cook supplements her search for paying work as a singer by touring the country going to gigs and shooting at game and trophy animals in her spare time. It'll be a blast, we're sure.
SERIES FINALE Sons of Tucson, 7 p.m., Fox It looks like having a guy pretend to be your dad wasn't as fun as it sounded.
The Next Food Network Star, 9 p.m., Food Contestants must cook a dish for Eva Longoria Parker based on an emotion. Yeah, like she ever eats — owning that restaurant Beso is just a cover.
Ultimate Air Jaws, 9 p.m., Discovery Great white sharks jumping out of the water in slow motion to rock 'n' roll music. 'Nuff said.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org