On TV this weekend
2012 UEFA European Championship, 11:30 a.m., ESPN Don't care about soccer? Too bad, because we do. This monster tournament kicks off with Poland vs. Greece. Wait, Greece can afford to field a team?
Seal Wars, 7 p.m., Animal Planet The Whale Wars people also take on people who club baby seals to death. Because filming it and showing people powerless to do anything to Namibians is very effective.
SERIES PREMIERE Lives on Fire, 9 p.m., OWN A reality show about four female firefighters who pose for a pin-up calendar. That's pretty hot. And pretty hot.
21st Century Sex Slaves, 10 p.m., NatGeo A special-forces unit goes undercover to take down sex-traffickers in Thailand. We had no idea that kind of thing was happening there.
SERIES PREMIERE Comedy Bang! Bang!, 10 p.m., IFC Comedian Scott Aukerman's podcast comes to the (other) small screen with guests like Zach Galifianakis and Will Forte. So this is sort of your Saturday Night Live substitute for the summer.
Storytellers, 11 p.m., VH1 Puzzled by the change of pace on Norah Jones' new album? Check out this doc about her and understand where she's coming from.
Guys Choice Awards, 9 p.m., Spike If it goes boom, gets you drunk or wears fishnets, guys like it, so we don't really need those awards.
SERIES PREMIERE Redneck Island, 9 p.m., CMT It's like Survivor, but with rednecks. As opposed to all those fine, upstanding citizens on the CBS version. But this one is hosted by "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.
Jersey Shore Shark Attack, 9 p.m., SyFy Unfortunately, it's not the real deal, but it does feature Nooki and The Complication trying to save shoebies from getting et up by Jaws.
SERIES PREMIERE Mob Wives Chicago, 8 p.m., VH1 This is apparently about women whose husbands are all mobbed up, although we find it hard to believe those folks would allow video crews into their homes daily. Don't look in the deep freeze in the basement.
The 66th Annual Tony Awards, 8 p.m., CBS Neil Patrick Harris hosts for a third time, which is reason enough for you to watch this one despite having seen absolutely none of the nominees. That's how he rolls.
SEASON PREMIERE True Blood, 9 p.m., HBO Finally, an HBO series featuring some gratuitous sex and violence is back on the air!
SEASON PREMIERE Our America With Lisa Ling, 10 p.m., OWN Kids in pageants. Please, sweet Lord, let the madness end. Call them home. Leave us be. It's ... it's just too much.
SEASON PREMIERE Bridezillas, 10 p.m., WEtv Can you believe producers found NINE seasons' worth of intolerant shrews who have enough friends to fill out a wedding party? There's a "where are they now" special on an hour before this, in case you want to see who got busted for meth or biting off a bridesmaid's ear.
SEASON FINALE Mad Men, 10 p.m., AMC You do realize twice as many people watch Spartacus, and that show is getting canceled after next season, right? Just putting that out there. (Send your humorless emails to the address below.) — Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org