On TV this weekend
Kitchen Nightmares, 8 p.m., Fox A restaurant in Philadelphia is coasting on its reputation from 30 years ago. That's okay, because the city is doing the exact same thing.
SEASON FINALE Sweet Home Alabama, 9 p.m., CMT In case The Bachelor's ending wasn't redneck enough for you, former NASCAR Sprint Cup ambassador Paige Duke tries to pick a lucky boy to say she'll stay with, then dump two weeks after filming ends.
Merlin, 10 p.m., SyFy Morgana prepares to bring the Southron army against the city of Gondor. Wait, no, Camelot. We mean Camelot.
In Plain Sight, 10 p.m., USA Mary has to deal with a hoarder who witnessed a murder. That evidence was just here a second ago … wait, we'll have to look for it.
SERIES PREMIERE Ball Boys, 3 p.m., ABC The folks who brought us Pawn Stars have created this show about a sports memorabilia shop in Baltimore. Because if you had to run a place based on good sports memories, where else would you be, amirite?
The Graham Norton Show, 10:15 p.m., BBC America Nothing else is on and Graham's guests are Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper and Lenny Kravitz, so it may be time to take your basic cable box above 100.
Whiskey Business, 7 p.m., CMT Pauly Shore plays an Italian hiding out from the mob in the South. How many fish can be out of how much water in this one?
SEASON PREMIERE Long Island Medium, 9 p.m., TLC Theresa Caputo is still gainfully employed, apparently by helping Pauly Shore get back in touch with his career.
SERIES FINALE Luck, 9 p.m., HBO This was just supposed to be the end of the first season, but then three horses died while filming this racetrack drama, so no more Dustin Hoffman for you. Oh, you can watch 'em die on a track and it's no problem, but if it happens on a TV show, watch out! Seriously, though, nobody cares about horse racing anymore.
SEASON PREMIERE Mad Men, 9 p.m., AMC Welcome back for another season of retro anxiety, backstabbing and anachronistic trivia, which the media gushes about but is really watched by an eighth as many people as Jersey Shore. That proves it's a good show.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org