On TV this weekend
Gold Rush, 8 p.m., Discovery Wondering what the cast has been doing in the offseason so you can get caught up before the premiere? We'd guess ducking TV crews that are looking for Sarah Palin.
Hostage Crisis Massacre, 8 p.m., NatGeo An 11-hour standoff with an armed man goes haywire when the "media takes over," according to press materials for this special. What does that even mean? It's not like reporters head out with M4 assault rifles to cover stories.
SEASON PREMIERE Chuck, 8 p.m., NBC The final season kicks off with Craig Kilborn playing a Bernie Madoff-ish jerk who needs to be dealt with. Club Fed ain't gonna cut it.
SERIES PREMIERE Grimm, 9 p.m., NBC A Portland, Ore., detective has the ability to see monsters from Grimm's Fairy Tales disguised as humans in real life. Or they could be bearded, shiftless hipsters.
SEASON PREMIERE Flying Wild Alaska, 10 p.m., Discovery We don't get the Alaska worship. Beautiful state, yes, full of natural wonders. So why focus on the people?
From the Sky Down, 8 p.m., Showtime A documentary about how U2 almost broke up in 1991 after The Joshua Tree, but instead made Achtung Baby and became so famous they could charge you $200 to sweat at Raymond James Stadium for 90 minutes of music.
Possessing Piper Rose, 8 p.m., Lifetime Rebecca Romijn adopts a girl who can see her dead birth mother. Yeah, a Rebecca Romijn Lifetime movie. What could be scarier than that?
SEASON PREMIERE Celebrity Ghost Stories, 9 p.m., Bio To make Fairuza Balk's episode even scarier, they will show her onscreen at all times.
SEASON PREMIERE The Graham Norton Show, 10 p.m., BBC America But that's okay, because then you can wash your eyeballs by ogling the gorgeous Kate Winslet.
The Simpsons, 8 p.m., Fox The annual Treehouse of Horror episode keeps up its tradition of being two years late with everything by spoofing Avatar and Dexter. Couldn't they at least do The Thing? Oh wait, they did that one already.
How Evil Are You?, 8 p.m., Discovery Cabin Fever and Hostel producer Eli Roth discusses with psychologists just how much people like inflicting pain on one another. Well, you paid to see his movies, didn't you? You should expect that from a guy who played a baseball bat-wielding character called The Bear Jew.
SERIES PREMIERE Allen Gregory, 8:30 p.m., Fox A privileged 7-year cartoon kid voiced by Jonah Hill is forced to go to public school. This seems like some kind of counterargument about vouchers.
SERIES PREMIERE The Next Iron Chef: Super Chefs, 9 p.m., Food It's like Top Chef Masters, but with Iron Chef contestants. You'd think that would just make them all Iron Chefs, but no.
— Joshua Gillin email@example.com