On TV this weekend
The Neighbors, 8:30 p.m., ABC Jackie hasn't told Debbie she's working at a Mexican restaurant. You'd think all those half-full bottles of stolen Cholula would have given her away.
Hawaii Five-0, 9 p.m., CBS A Texas ranger has come to Hawaii to look for his missing daughter. If CNN isn't constantly running stories about her, she must still be okay.
America's Next Top Model, 9 p.m., CW The models are given tons of instructions from a tyrannical director who turns out to be Reggie Watts. Half of the models are at a total loss as to who he is. YouTube, people: Look into it.
SERIES PREMIERE Cassadee Pope: Frame by Frame, 10 p.m., CMT Instead of becoming a country singer, the winner of the third season of The Voice has a reality show about becoming a country singer. Sounds an awful lot like the plot to The Voice.
House of Versace, 8 p.m., Lifetime Gina Gershon's almost frightening transformation into Donatella Versace drives this biopic about the fashionista's struggles after her brother Gianni's murder in 1997. It's really hard to say if looking like Donatella is a compliment or an insult.
Scarecrow, 9 p.m., SyFy Party of Five's Lacey Chabert battles a scarecrow that comes to life and kills people. She's had experience with that after starring with Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls.
Saturday Night Live, 11:30 p.m., NBC Miley Cyrus and her coffee-and-cigarettes voice are both musical guest and host tonight. There's no telling exactly what they're going to make fun of, but it's probably got something to do with wagging tongues, latex hotpants and destroying sets.
The Simpsons, 8 p.m., Fox Tonight is the latest "Treehouse of Horror," the only episode guaranteed to make even the laziest Simpsons ex-pats watch for at least one night. Sticking to parodies of horror movies from this decade may be a good strategy, though.
SERIES PREMIERE Witches of East End, 10 p.m., Lifetime Channing Tatum's wife Jenna is a member of a family of witches, populated by Julia Ormond and Twin Peaks' Mädchen Amick. Last we heard, Jack Nicholson was not involved.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org