On TV this weekend
SEASON PREMIERE Ugly Betty, 8 p.m., ABC Betty starts her new job at Mode but doesn't like it. Of course not; it takes a good three to six months to learn to deal with the new work nonsense.
Ghost Whisperer, 8 p.m., CBS Eli's dad has a heart attack and is immediately met by his wife, who has been waiting in limbo for a decade to nag him some more.
Smallville, 8 p.m., CW It must be close to Halloween, because the episode revolves around a chemical weapon by Zod that turns people into zombies. It's a good thing there really isn't a device that converts chumps into slack-jawed, mindless gawpers who stare off into the middle distance.
SEASON PREMIERE Wizards of Waverly Place, 8 p.m., Disney We find it amazing that kids with magical powers have yet to hatch more sinister plans against their inept parents, but that's just us.
Megafault, 9 p.m., Syfy Eriq La Salle and Brittany Murphy are the only people keeping a giant hole from swallowing the Earth. The should call Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas.
Wanda Sykes: I'ma Be Me, 10 p.m., HBO This was a better title than her Kanye West inspired offering, I'ma Let You Finish, But Wanda Sykes is the Best Comedian of All Time ... of All Time!
Desperate Housewives, 9 p.m., ABC Jesse Metcalfe returns as the home-wrecking gardener, prompting Carlos to get a little ticked. We say let Drea DiMatteo go after him.
Californication, 10 p.m., Showtime Rick Springfield arrives to show just how depraved he can get. Worse than trying to steal Jessie's girl?
SERIES PREMIERE Leave it to Lamas, 11 p.m., E! Since Eriq and Brittany don't need his help, he shows what he does when he's not filming straight-to-DVD hits like Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org