On TV this weekend
SERIES PREMIERE Paranormal Paparazzi, 7 p.m., Travel A blogger sends people around the U.S. to report on strange happenings. It would be a lot cheaper to just watch Syfy shows and write about them.
SERIES PREMIERE Made in Jersey, 9 p.m., CBS When you want to set a lawyer show in Jersey, it's only natural to get a British actress to play the lead. Americans can't do American accents anymore.
SERIES PREMIERE Bering Sea Gold: Under the Ice, 9 p.m., Discovery If you thought the gold-seekers during the summer were bad, imagine the nut jobs who do it during the winter.
SEASON PREMIERE Fringe, 9 p.m., Fox One last season of this show starts tonight. If you haven't been paying attention, there's no way to catch you up.
SEASON PREMIERE Blue Bloods, 10 p.m., CBS Michael Madsen plays a guy getting revenge on Danny by kidnapping Jackie. If he wants her to disappear, he should put her in the same place he put his acting career.
SERIES PREMIERE Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, 11 a.m., Nickelodeon A CG reboot of the '80s quartet. Hey, they're doing it with every other '80s cartoon. The worst part will be having a completely new theme song.
SERIES PREMIERE Call the Midwife, 8 p.m., PBS A woman becomes a midwife in 1950s London, which is sure to draw comparisons to Mad Men, except with even more pregnant moms smoking and drinking.
SNEAK PEEK Chef Race: U.K. vs. U.S., 10 p.m., BBC America Jamie Oliver smashes together Top Chef and The Amazing Race. But which country has the better recipe for Freedom Fries?
SEASON PREMIERE The Simpsons, 8 p.m., Fox The family heads to New York City, apparently forgetting Homer hated it so much the last time they went. That also means celebrity voices abound. This week it's Zooey Deschanel, Sarah Silverman, Natalie Portman and Anne Hathaway.
SEASON PREMIERE The Good Wife, 9 p.m., CBS Kalinda and her husband Nick act out Fifty Shades of Grey on primetime. It's after 9 p.m., so what do you care? Your kids should be asleep, anyway.
SEASON PREMIERE Revenge, 9 p.m., ABC Emily's mother is alive, huh? What's the worst that could happen after finding that out?
Lake Placid: The Final Chapter, 9 p.m., Syfy Robert Englund stars in yet another schlocky disaster about the giant crocodiles who continue to live in American lakes. Yes, we said "stars."
SERIES PREMIERE 666 Park Avenue, 10 p.m., ABC Terry O'Quinn from Lost plays Al Pacino from The Devil's Advocate crossed with Alec Baldwin's character from Sliver in an apartment building that is like a bizarro Fantasy Island. That's the most apt description we can come up with.
SEASON PREMIERE Homeland, 10 p.m., Showtime This show couldn't have bought a better lead-in than all those Emmy wins last week. It makes us wish we could afford Showtime.
— Joshua Gillin email@example.com