On TV today
The View, 11 a.m., ABC Don't forget, President Obama is on today, presumably to waste his time changing Elisabeth Hasselbeck's mind about everything.
X Games, 2 p.m., ESPN Ah, four days of sports you can't do being performed by people you can't understand in places you would never visit. A whole 31 hours of TV coverage, too!
SEASON PREMIERE Project Runway, 9 p.m., Lifetime Heidi Klum is back again, looking painfully more beautiful than any of the contestants or their guinea pig models.
SEASON PREMIERE Jersey Shore, 10 p.m., MTV Blah blah guidos blah guidettes blah blah South Beach blah fights blah GTL etc. Please, merciful heavens, save us now. For more, turn to Page 30.
SERIES PREMIERE On the Road with Austin and Santino, 10:30 p.m., Lifetime It's a Project Runway spinoff with Austin Scarlett and Santino Rice, in case you were wondering why they made PR 90 minutes tonight.
— Joshua Gillin email@example.com