On TV tonight
SEASON PREMIERE The Vampire Diaries, 8 p.m., CW It's Elena's birthday, but she's too busy trying to find Stefan to worry about the party Caroline is planning. Just check his answer on the Facebook invite. (Hint: Maybe.)
SERIES PREMIERE The Secret Circle, 9 p.m., CW It's like The Vampire Diaries, but about witches in Washington state. Please, don't invite any werewolves.
SEASON FINALE Beyond Scared Straight, 10 p.m., A&E For the end of the year, they should present a tally of how many of these punks actually end up in jail, but let you bet on it first.
SEASON PREMIERE It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, 10 p.m., FX The Philly version of Seinfeld returns, starting with Danny DeVito's Frank marrying a prostitute. Mac's really going to have to get remeasured for a tux.
SERIES FINALE L.A. Ink, 10 p.m., TLC The pressure got to be too much for Kat Von D. Will she run off with Jesse James and have a litter of little trashy kids? We'll have to wait for the one-off special to find out.
Archer, 10:30 p.m., FX The master spy returns after his fiancee's murder. Hopefully, this will be a better follow-up than Diamonds Are Forever.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org