On TV tonight
SERIES PREMIERE Homeland Security U.S.A., 8 p.m., ABC Just in case you thought having a half-dozen Smokeys keep an eye out for illegals was sufficient, here's a show that concludes (gasp) it isn't.
SEASON PREMIERE The Biggest Loser: Couples, 8 p.m., NBC Upcoming crossover: This show and Monday's DietTribe.
SEASON PREMIERE Scrubs, 9 p.m., ABC Tired of having their chains (and timeslots) yanked around by NBC, Dr. Dorian and company took their quirky medical comedy to ABC, which placed them at … 9 p.m. Tuesday? Seriously, ABC? This is the best you could do? Snoop Dogg Attending, you deserve better.
SEASON PREMIERE Dirty Jobs, 9 p.m., Discovery Hey, Mike Rowe, we've got a dirty job for you: Peddling Bromance upon America's children. That might even be nastier than your job this week, which is visiting a bologna factory.
SEASON PREMIERE Nip/Tuck, 10 p.m., FX Finally, the final season premieres, and we can begin the lengthy process of getting Kanye's Flashing Lights out of our heads.
SEASON PREMIERE 10 Items or Less, 11 p.m., TBS If you're up at this hour looking for new sitcoms, you deserve another round of this. Proof it's bad: Kim Coles joins the cast.
— Jay Cridlin firstname.lastname@example.org and Joshua Gillin email@example.com