On TV tonight
SEASON PREMIERE American Idol, 8 p.m., Fox It's time to see if Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez can keep this ship afloat, or if Simon Cowell's departure is the iceberg that's gonna sink this lumbering Titanic of a series. More bad news: Ryan Seacrest and Randy Jackson are returning.
Top Chef, 10 p.m., Bravo It's time for Restaurant Wars, during which at least one chef showcases how they are totally inept and shouldn't be working in food service, while at least one shows they're much better at customer service than cooking. Also, Anthony Bourdain returns to try and find the cleverest turn of phrase while insulting the contestants at the same time.
SEASON PREMIERE Hot in Cleveland, 10 p.m., TV Land Mary Tyler Moore and Betty White on the same show? I think my mom just fainted.
SERIES PREMIERE Extra Virgin, 10 p.m., Cooking Somebody gave Debi Mazar a cooking show with a suggestive title. Because, you know, why not?
SERIES PREMIERE Retired at 35, 10:30 p.m., TV Land A high-powered executive quits his job to move in with his folks in a Florida retirement community. The creators of this show are so clueless — those places only accept people older than 55. And even if they do let him in, you know the other residents are gonna complain about kids playing in the clubhouse.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org