On TV tonight (and Thursday)
America's Next Top Model, 8 p.m., CW The unseen-footage shows always are such a disappointment. We know nobody threw punches, because you get kicked off the show if you do.
Merry Madagascar, 8 p.m., NBC Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, David Schwimmer and Jada Pinkett Smith have to deliver Santa's presents when he gets amnesia after crashing on their island. Okay, now the talking-animal saga is getting a little hard to believe.
Kung Fu Panda Holiday Special, 8:30 p.m., NBC Jack Black, Dustin Hoffman and Angelina Jolie voice this carefully-crafted commercial to show that Po hates having to work on Thanksgiving. Hey, ask anybody who works at a newspaper, pal: Plenty of people have to work on Thanksgiving.
SERIES PREMIERE WE Investigate, 10 p.m., WEtv Another crime show the wife will obsess about, yet she'll still refuse to let you buy a weapon to protect the house. Even a profile on the Night Stalker won't change her mind.
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, 9 a.m., NBC You know this giant balloon show has its finger on the pulse of the nation when they invite Jessica Simpson as a guest. Well, there's still Miranda Cosgrove, Jimmy Falloon and Kanye West, so it boasts something for every member of the family.
The National Dog Show, Noon, NBC Watch people say the word bitch during daytime TV and not get in trouble for it before you eat so much you pass out.
People of the Year, 9 p.m., NBC Matt Lauer steals Barbara Walters' schtick and yammers with people we're supposed to care about. Too bad you went to bed two hours ago.
Beyonce's: I Am... World Tour, 9:30 p.m., ABC Of course, if you wake up from your nap in time, you can always watch Beyonce demonstrate why 32 countries want to see her wear gold lame — and show why Jay-Z married her.
— Joshua Gillin email@example.com