On TV tonight
Melissa & Joey, 8 p.m., ABC Family High school problems with Joey Lawrence in this midseason finale. If only Blossom would come back to the airwaves.
SEASON PREMIERE Survivor: South Pacific, 8 p.m., CBS The grandaddy of reality contests hits its 23rd season, this time staying in Samoa. Hey, they get tax breaks that way.
SERIES PREMIERE H8R, 8 p.m., CW Poor, beleaguered celebrities get to face their most vocal detractors. We were just thinking celebrities were really disenfranchised in this society.
SEASON FINALE America's Got Talent, 8 p.m., NBC Having Nick Cannon announce you are the winner of a talent show is kind of like the government of China giving you a medal for humanitarian accomplishments.
SEASON PREMIERE America's Next Top Model, 9 p.m., CW The all-star cast finally scores some real celebrity guests, like Kathy Griffin, LaToya Jackson and Ashlee Simpson. Well, relatively famous. But hey, Nicki Minaj, too!
SEASON FINALE Roseanne's Nuts, 9:30 p.m., Lifetime Roseanne seeks help for menopause, which is precisely not the sort of thing we'd watch television to see.
SEASON FINALE Big Brother, 9:30 p.m., CBS Another winner is chosen, although we all are the winners, because none of these people live with us.
SEASON FINALE Deadliest Warrior, 10 p.m., Spike This show is just getting stupid, because this time they are pitting zombies against vampires. Thank goodness George Romero and World War Z author Max Brooks will be there to support the zombie side.
SERIES PREMIERE Up All Night, 10 p.m., NBC Christina Applegate and Will Arnett star as a couple who bring home their baby daughter and can't get any sleep. Like new parents have any time to watch TV shows.
SERIES PREMIERE Hulk Hogan's Micro Championship Wrestling, 10 p.m., TruTV Hulk Hogan is back on TV coaching midget wrestlers. Okay, little-people wrestlers. In either case, Hulk's career is really mystifying us now.
SERIES PREMIERE Free Agents, 10:30 p.m., NBC A divorcee and a widow have a one-night stand and then decide to start a relationship. In nine months, they will take over Up All Night.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org