On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE Dancing With the Stars, 8 p.m., ABC We say we're watching it for Warren Sapp, but we really want to see partner Kym Johnson again.
SEASON PREMIERE The Big Bang Theory, 8 p.m., CBS Darlene from Roseanne is a permanent member of the cast now. It's better than getting killed on 24.
SEASON PREMIERE Heroes, 8 p.m., NBC A clip show precedes the two-hour premiere, which is less and less important since the Justice League showed up on Smallville.
SEASON PREMIERE How I Met Your Mother, 8:30 p.m., CBS Speaking of Roseanne alumni, Ted just proposed to sometimes-Becky Sarah Chalke last season. What did she say?
SEASON PREMIERE Two and a Half Men, 9 p.m., CBS Charlie gets worried when an ex girlfriend has a kid who looks an awful lot like him. Like that's the first time that's happened.
SERIES PREMIERE Worst Week, 9:30 p.m., CBS Another show ripping off British TV, this first episode deals with a couple on a stressful family vacation. We usually watch TV to escape the usual routine.
SEASON PREMIERE CSI: Miami, 10 p.m., CBS Will Caine be back to growl and grunt and put on his sunglasses some more? More important, will Elizabeth Berkley test the censors' limits?
SEASON PREMIERE Boston Legal, 10 p.m., ABC As Rays fans, we have to boycott this show.
SERIES PREMIERE Opportunity Knocks, 8 p.m., ABC Ashton Kutcher's game show features a truck that pulls up to your house and questions you about your family. We call that a visit from Homeland Security.
SEASON PREMIERE NCIS, 8 p.m., CBS What will the gang do now that the team was disbanded last season? And what will the softball league think?
SERIES PREMIERE The Mentalist, 9 p.m., CBS A tough guy breaks the rules when he works for a made up California law enforcement agency. We did hear Jack Bauer has left L.A. this season.
SEASON PREMIERE Without a Trace, 10 p.m., CBS So Jack was demoted, so what? That just leaves more time to watch Dancing With the Stars.
SEASON PREMIERE Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, 10 p.m., NBC Sara Gilbert again? Was getting hired on The Big Bang Theory not enough?
SEASON PREMIERE The New Adventures of Old Christine, 8 p.m., CBS A big change! No, not hiring Jerry Seinfeld now that those Microsoft commercials were a bust, but rather a show about Christine marrying a woman. Gay jokes abound!
SERIES PREMIERE Knight Rider, 8 p.m., NBC Sorry, no Hoff for you. But why build a super-intelligent car if it needs a human to take care of it? We never really understood that.
SERIES PREMIERE Gary Unmarried, 8:30 p.m., CBS Hold on to your seats — it's a sitcom ... about a single dad! Wooowee! They're sure getting creative these days.
SEASON PREMIERE Criminal Minds, 9 p.m., CBS What happened to those folks in the exploding van? If it's anything like Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, they're probably just going to limp for a while.
SEASON PREMIERE CSI: NY, 10 p.m., CBS Mac has amnesia after driving off that bridge. See Gary Unmarried.
SEASON PREMIERE Lipstick Jungle, 10 p.m., NBC Thank goodness for that writers strike, or else this one would've never happened.
SEASON PREMIERE Survivor: Gabon, 8 p.m., CBS The big deal for season 17? Shooting in high-def. And now! With more shame!
SEASON PREMIERE My Name Is Earl, 8 p.m., NBC How long is this list, anyway? We want to see it.
SEASON PREMIERE Grey's Anatomy, 9 p.m., ABC Everyone's screwing everyone. Now we have a whole season to see them screw it up. Ah, back to normal.
SEASON PREMIERE The Office, 9 p.m., NBC What did everyone do on their summer vacation? Worked.
SEASON PREMIERE ER, 10 p.m., NBC After eleventy billion seasons, get ready to say goodbye after one last go-'round. Where's this Dr. Green appearance, anyway?
SEASON PREMIERE WWE Friday Night SmackDown, 8 p.m., CW Everyone who should be watching the presidential debate will either be watching this ...
SEASON PREMIERE Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, 8 p.m., Fox ... or this ...
Presidential Debate, 9 p.m., ABC ... yet still feel qualified to tell you how you should feel about these guys. Ah, you gotta love democracy.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org
Special season premiere edition