2011 Hot Dog Eating Contest, noon, ESPN: First, Kobayashi can't compete due to legal squabbles, now "Crazy Legs" Conti and "Badlands" Booker fail to qualify? Joey Chestnut, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
Boston Pops Fireworks Spectacular 10 p.m., CBS: Forget it — as usual, Boston's doing its own thing, too, with guest celebs Michael Chiklis and Lionel Richie. Our nation has been torn asunder by network television executives.
The Nine Lives of Chloe King, 9 p.m., ABC Family: Chloe discovers she has sonic hearing, but is warned to use this power only for good. Where's Professor X when you need him?
Only in America with Larry the Cable Guy, 9 p.m., History: Larry makes Limburger cheese and hangs out on the USS Nimitz supercarrier. (Not at the same time, of course — although the military probably does have some amazing cheesemaking technology hidden deep in Area 51.)
SEASON PREMIERE, Flipping Out, 9 p.m., Bravo: Jeff's stress levels build as his business starts attracting business from around the country. Mo' money, mo' problems, as Biggie once said, almost certainly in reference to the interior design industry.
SEASON FINALE, Men of a Certain Age, 10 p.m., TNT: Terry (Scott Bakula) has some surprising news for Owen (Andre Braugher): That this entire series has been one extended Quantum Leap.
An American Family: Anniversary Edition, 8 p.m., PBS: This special looks back at the 1973 miniseries that broke ground in the field of reality television. To this day, it remains the only reality show in history that didn't spawn a dozen dating/rehab/travel spinoffs. (Although there's still time!)
Rookie Blue, 10 p.m., ABC: Three heads are stolen from a medical lab. We'd love it if the perp was just a really bored juggler.
SEASON PREMIERE, Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta 9 p.m., TLC: Mother against daughter, daughter against grandmother … tempers in the South shall rise yet again.
SERIES PREMIERE, Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids, 10 p.m., TLC: Just a hunch, but this Atlanta-based spinoff probably won't contain as many poop jokes as the film Bridesmaids.