SEASON PREMIERE Dancing With the Stars, 8 p.m., ABC
The real question this season is whether anyone can beat possible cancer survivor Valerie Harper. We're skeptical. Here are some of the celebs who will try: a post-Jersey Shore, post-pregnancy Snooki; former Buccaneer Keyshawn Johnson; Scientology refugee Leah Remini; erstwhile Saved By the Bell star Elizabeth Berkley; and, our personal fav, Bill Nye the Science Guy (maybe he'll explain the physics of how those impossibly skimpy dresses stay on). Forget the dancing, they better work on their sob stories if they want to beat dear Rhoda.
SEASON PREMIERE New Girl, 9 p.m., Fox
After its stellar second season, New Girl tops our list of the best comedies on right now. In fact, with quirky levels at an all-time low and the focus on the entire ensemble, it's one of the only shows that still makes us laugh out loud (sorry, Modern Family). It was no surprise last season when they took a cliched sitcom premise — roommates Jess and Nick realize they want to be more than friends — and turned it into something wildly endearing. We're counting on this season to dig deeper into their awkward, aw-shucks courtship.
SEASON PREMIERE The Mindy Project, 9:30 p.m., Fox
Midway through The Mindy Project's bumpy first season, creator Mindy Kaling (who deserves eternal props for writing some of the best episodes of The Office) struck a good balance between zany workplace comedy and romantic comedy. In last season's finale, she fled to Haiti with her minister boyfriend, but tonight's premiere episode wisely reunites her with NYC soon enough. Bonus: We love guest star James Franco as a doctor named Paul Leotard brought in to replace (and flirt with) Mindy. He actually comes off like a normal human, which is a nice change for the guy.
SEASON PREMIERE Survivor: Blood vs. Water, 8 p.m., CBS
Survivor is back for its 27th (!!!) season, which features contestants from the show's past competing with relatives or significant others. The catch? At some point, they have to decide whether to help their partners succeed or turn on them. This season, we're more inclined to watch: Former Tampa Bay Buccaneer and now Tampa lawyer Brad Culpepper and his wife Monica (who was on the show in 2012) are one of the couples. Seems like a good way to maintain a healthy marital relationship.
SEASON PREMIERE Shark Tank, 9 p.m., ABC
The business moguls have to decide whether or not to invest in dog-friendly frozen yogurt. Which is a sentence you could only read in 2013.