Special Report With Bret Baier, 6 p.m., Fox News Channel. We'd just like to point out that Bret, formerly the first Atlanta correspondent for Fox News, is moving to the D.C. anchor desk. Not that we watch network news or anything.
Heroes, 9 p.m., NBC. Sylar is having an identity crisis. Like, when did I become such a hollow caricature of the menacing freak from Season 1?
Sophie, 9:30 p.m., ABC Family. She just had a baby, sure, so the time is ripe to try to start dating again, right? Right?
The Biggest Loser, 8 p.m., NBC. A recession-friendly episode has Bob and Jillian taking a break from yelling at the fatties and doing something even our public schools should consider: How to buy healthy food at the grocery store on a budget. Because you can get an entire Big Mac meal for the price of brussels sprouts these days, you know.
The Real Housewives of New York City (above), 10 p.m., Bravo. Kelly takes time off from being jealous of Bethenny to get her head shot updated. Boy, life is tough for these gals.
SERIES PREMIERE: The Phone, 10 p.m., MTV. Justin Timberlake is an executive producer for this new reality series, which basically drops normal folks into the middle of an action movie. Can you imagine what the insurance bill on this thing is?
America's Next Top Model, 8 p.m., CW. Now that London was kicked off for gaining 15 pounds in a matter of days (truly, that's astonishing), we can only hope freaky dollface Allison gets the boot. And when will they quit stringing poor, stylish, ugly Celia along?
Criminal Minds, 10 p.m., CBS. The team realizes that one case they thought was part of a serial killer's portfolio may actually be the work of another suspect. Hey, it's job security, at least.
The Unusuals, 10 p.m., ABC. We just can't handle another cop show. Sorry, but we can't.
My Name Is Earl, 8 p.m., NBC. Hilarity ensues whenever someone gets hit by a riding lawn mower. On TV, anyway.
Southland. 10 p.m., NBC. Tom Sizemore plays a hard-partying actor and C. Thomas Howell plays a starstruck numbskull. Is this a reality show?
Ghost Whisperer, 8 p.m., CBS. Is this the only show that consistently has new episodes on Friday or what?
NUMB3RS, 10 p.m., CBS. Oh, right, apparently not.
Party Down, 10:30 p.m., Starz. We have to turn to cable to find anything even remotely interesting. Nerds at a birthday party is something we can relate to.
Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org