Now that the Twilight Saga is near sunset, Kristen Stewart needs another gig. I'm pretty sure the pouty starlet isn't cut out to be an action hero, but here's Snow White and the Huntsman (PG-13) anyway. • Stewart plays Snow, the fairest of them all, in a kingdom ruled by evil Ravenna (Charlize Theron). Ravenna doesn't like beauty competition, so she dispatches a nameless hunk (Chris Hemsworth, The Avengers) to escort Snow into a forest and slay her. The huntsman has a change of heart, as in the original fairy tale, but the resemblance ends there. • Preview trailers promise a Snow White fantasy much darker and more violent than the recent Mirror Mirror, and that's good. Universal Pictures screened Snow White and the Huntsman too late for Weekend, so a review will be published at tampabay.com/ features and on Etc, Page 2B. • Which gives us time to wonder: If you can cast Snow in essentially a horror flick, are there no limits? So let's cast her in seven more — one for each dwarf — for a roundup of movies not coming soon to theaters near you:
• Snow White and the Avengers: Nestled in Disney's deal to purchase Marvel Studios is a clause stating each of the studio's famed princesses gets a superhero vehicle. First in line is Snow, whose superpower is transforming archvillains into dwarfs. The set-rattling rivalry between Thor and Hulk is nothing compared to the cat fight between Snow and Black Widow over Captain America.
• What to Expect When Snow White's Expecting: Why, septuplets, of course. Snow moves to Manhattan, breaks up with a man unwilling to commit and gets pregnant from a grudge fling with Mr. Wrong. After the sonogram shows Snow to be SepteMom, the ex-boyfriend marries her and everyone karaokes to an '80s pop song.
• Snow White, Vampire Hunter: Move over Abe Lincoln, there's another ax-slinger in town. During the Civil War, Snow's mother gets bitten and bites the dust, turning a demure, trilling songstress into a vengeful, wild-eyed ghoul slayer. Impressed and certainly intimidated by the slaughter, Union and Confederate troops mutually surrender, and the nation is preserved.
• Snow White and the Dark Knight: People assume Snow would portray Catwoman, but director Christopher Nolan has another idea. Adding 230 pounds to her lithe frame, Snow dons a leather mask muffling her dialogue to play the archcriminal Bane. Keeping with Batman's dual personality, the crimefighter in him wants her dead while playboy billionaire Bruce Wayne has naughtier ideas.
• The White Legacy: Snow awakens from an apple-induced coma, unable to remember she is a superbly trained CIA assassin. She prefers leaving that world behind and retiring to a cozy enchanted cottage with friends, but the agency won't let go. Globe-trotting, neck-snapping, car-crunching fun for the whole family.
• Snow White and Magic Mike: The Snow White story Disney didn't dare reveal. Few people know that after graduating from a Tampa high school, Snow was briefly employed as an erotic dancer. No, wait, that's Channing Tatum. The hunky heartthrob co-stars, showing Snow the ropes and poles of the profession.
• Snow White and the Expendables: Ever the feminist trailblazer, Snow invades the previously all-boys club of aging action heroes putting in their teeth in order to whistle while they work. Sylvester Stallone grunts disapproval but succumbs to her charms, while Jean-Claude Van Damme karate-kicks those circling bluebirds of happiness.
Steve Persall can be reached at [email protected] or (727) 893-8365.