Can we please get over the notion that every superhero in a skintight suit deserves a movie? Green Lantern is the latest wallet drainer emptying the comic book bench, more thudding than Thor and sorely incoherent.
Certainly Ryan Reynolds possesses the xylophone abs to play a superhero, and the smart-aleck persona to make him fun.
Only one of those gifts is displayed in Green Lantern, thanks to a digitally painted-on costume hugging his physique. This movie has little else to offer except gaudy CGI doodles including a villain resembling an overflowing septic tank with teeth.
That creature is the Parallax, a brown, billowing behemoth feeding on fear. Green Lantern has a sickly spearmint tint to his superpowers, making their fights to one finish after another rather ugly to behold. The 3-D effects don't help. What Martin Campbell's movie lacks in aesthetics it lacks even more in personality. This movie is a chore to watch.
Possibly because so much time passes before anything potentially entertaining occurs. This is another origins story, mixing Top Gun with Superman mythology and Batman's daddy issues. Just once I'd like to see a superhero following his destiny because of Mom. Reckless but successful test pilot Hal Jordan (Reynolds) watched his father die in a plane crash, so his maverick ways cover up fear that Parallax will later attack — much later.
First we meet the Green Lantern Corps, an intergalactic police force that probably stops by Mos Eisley's cantina after work.
Led by Tomar-Re (voice of Geoffrey Rush, lizard body by computer), the Green Lanterns fight evil with glowing class rings creating anything they imagine. Need a pair of anti-aircraft guns? Just think about it and they'll replace your hands. Need a soft landing after a free fall? Take a dip in a spontaneous pool of lime-colored water.
Hal gets involved when a Lantern crashes his spacecraft (where was his ring?) and the hotshot stops to help. The dying alien declares Hal to be the chosen one to take his place.
Once Hal figures out the Green Lantern motto, he's whisked to the planet Oa for basic training. Since Hal is the first earthling to join the band, there's a skeptical Lantern named Sinestro (Mark Strong) whom the end credits wishfully sets up as a sequel nemesis.
Sensing the plot's skimpiness, four screenwriters scramble in a romantic interest (Blake Lively), and a mad scientist (Peter Sarsgaard) infected with alien DNA, resulting in a bulbous forehead and oozing sores.
He doesn't do much dastardly and departs abruptly before the septic tank gets mad. Lucky, lucky guy.
Steve Persall can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or (727) 893-8365.