You know every dreamy passage of the Twilight saga books and keep hoping that one day your boyfriend's hair will resemble Robert Pattinson's. You bought movie tickets for yourself and 25 of your BFFs on May 14. That's right, May 14, as soon as advance tickets for Eclipse went on sale. You have Usher's OMG running through your head while you wait — ONLY 6 MORE DAYS! — for another glimpse of Taylor Lautner's stellar six-pack on the big screen. • Or, maybe you've done none of these things because fictional vampires shouldn't sparkle (e.g. Bram Stoker) and real heroes should kick a little undead booty (e.g. Buffy) and the idea of reading 2,469 pages revolving around a lustful teen vampire/werewolf triangle is sooooo not your thing. • So, according to whichever side of the Twilight fence you've firmly planted yourself, here are 10 things to get you ready for next week's premiere.
Jennifer DeCamp and Holly Braford, Times staff writers
FOR THE TWIHARDS
1. Set your DVR: Oprah already chatted up the movie's cast and Peter Facinelli's profanity-laced tirade on the MTV Movie Awards caused a commotion, but what you're really wondering is where can you catch your faves next . . . and will they dish any killer secrets. Here are some key appearances: Late Show With David Letterman (Kristen Stewart, Monday; Taylor Lautner, July 1), Today (Lautner, Monday; Stewart, Tuesday) and Live With Regis and Kelly (Lautner, Monday; Stewart, Tuesday).
2. Put your nose in a book: Not the original books again, but check out Stephenie Meyer's new novella The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. The author started working on Bree's story while she was editing Eclipse and was imagining what life might be like for a newborn vampire. Now, you can read Bree's story, too, but will you harbor any sympathy for one of Bella's enemies when you're finished?
3. Dinner and a movie: Break out those well-worn DVDs for a Twi-Night party. Encourage your friends to show up dressed as their favorite characters for a double-feature screening of Twilight and New Moon. Sweet-talk your mom into helping you get together all the fixings for a pasta buffet in honor of Bella and Edward's first date at the Italian restaurant. Cap off the night by watching the Eclipse trailer.
4. There's an app for that! Talk with other Twihards and choose your own character avatar through Twilight Tracker, the official app for the Twilight Saga movies. It's only 99 cents through iTunes. The app connects to both Facebook and Twitter and gives you instant access to the newest photos and videos about the movies.
5. Mylifeistwilight.com: Do you think that you're the biggest Twilight fan ever? Here's a way to find out. After reading the Top 100 posts you'll either be jealous or relieved you didn't post these comments. Some favorites:
• "Today I woke up from a nap on my girlfriend's couch only to realize that she had covered me in Twilight body glitter while I was asleep."
• "Today I asked my boyfriend if he would hold ice to his lips for a minute before he kissed me, so I could pretend I was kissing Edward. He did."
• "I have a life-sized cardboard cutout of Edward in my room. When I saw New Moon again I bought an extra ticket and had Edward sit next to me. Best date ever."
FOR THE TWIHATERS
1. Make a shirt: That's right, be the opposite of the shirtless Quileute werewolf pack. The Twihards have been bedazzling the bejesus out of their DIY Team Edward and Team Jacob T-shirts for months now. Don't be outdone. Grab your hot glue gun and get creative. Think of all the red glitter and sequins you could affix to a Team Victoria shirt or the clean simplicity of a Team Volturi shirt. Are crafts not your thing? Check out cafepress.com and zazzle.com to buy some last-minute shirts of hate. Here are some of the best: Twilight can bite my New Moon; Sparkly Vampires Cause Cancer; And then Buffy staked Edward. The End; Team Go-To-College-Get-A-Hobby-And-Stop-Basing-Your-Life-Around-Men.
2. Join the resistance: You're not alone. The Twilight backlash has hit the Internet, too. One example is the Anti Twilight Militia on Facebook. They describe their group this way: "Rebelling against the abominably written vile romance pulp fiction dressed as 'horror fantasy' sweeping through the hearts of millions of teenagers and glassy-eyed adults across the world. Stand up for Literature. Join the Anti Twilight Militia!" They did spell literature wrong in one spot on the site, but oh well.
3. Watch the movies: Don't boycott the films. Download an MP3 from rifftrax.com and embrace the bad. For $3.99, you get a hilarious commentary to play during the movie. The guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 have reunited and have fun with the long pauses, substandard special effects and the paleness of it all. There's a preview on the site.
4. Get some sunshine: Ignore the baffling cultural sensation and hang out with Mother Nature instead. She isn't going to the midnight premiere of Eclipse. She doesn't have an "I drive like a Cullen" bumper sticker. It's a good thing to celebrate your humanity and ability to get a tan instead of the Cold Ones' inexplicable sparkly skin.
5. Zombies: Do the Twilighters flocking to the theaters remind you of some other form of undead? Check out Zombie St. Pete, a book full of 13 local zombie stories at zombiestpete.com. Or rent the hilarious Zombieland. Just remember: double tap.