You've had it rough. First, you wore those bad jeans. Really, they were terrible. But everyone freaked and called you fat from behind the shame of their own Doritos bags.
Across Tampa, your rival in blondness, Britney Spears, made her triumphant comeback, well-oiled and well-financed. For the love of K-Fed, she had circus equipment in her favor!
We were pulling for you. You needed this.
You sauntered on stage at the Florida Strawberry Festival Sunday, fashionably late. KABAM! Your quadriceps were like bronzed steel in a pair of shorts cut so high the pockets flopped to freedom.
Then, you opened your mouth to sing These Boots Are Made For Walkin'. And, gosh darn it, you can really sing. Through all the reality TV and reinvention, we almost forgot that.
You acknowledged the blue times. "No matter what we go through in our lives, it's a beautiful life and we're blessed to have it," you said, right before launching into Still Beautiful.
You said you loved Tony Romo because he "lets me be myself." You fight about silly stuff, but mostly about missing each other. Then you sang a song dedicated to him, You're My Sunday.
You told us about ex Nick Lachey (we assume), and how your dreams of forever didn't happen. Then, you stuck your glossed lip into a pout and sang about it on Sipping On History.
You told us about ex John Mayer (we assume). You said, "I felt like the world slapped me in the face. Like, hello! You're dating a butthead!"
We didn't jump out of our seats and freak. We cozied up to our dates or bobbed along to the power country. We noticed you tug your hair nervously. We wished you'd change outfits so we'd have something new to look at. Maybe try to keep up with the circus.
But you kept it simple. You hit all the high notes and thrashed around with passion during Remember That, a song about domestic abuse. You treated pop fans to With You, a hit from your MTV Newlyweds days.
You said how mortifying it felt to mess up 9 to 5 in front of Dolly Parton and the president, but how it made you better. "It's a really long song with lots of lyrics!" you jested.
And after belting out your Dolly Parton-collaboration Do You Know with gusto, you told a secret before scurrying off the stage.
"I gotta go pee."
Then we remembered why we liked you, and felt a bit better for you after all.